Zoo with Maresa and Simon

After tea, the zoo

Tea Two

Tea

Tea time with Bonnie

check it out....

iPhone Home

I think I lost my phone.

It's FINE, it's not like it was the most expensive thing I owned (besides my laptop, car and power suit).

Dearest iPhone (Trixie),

PLEASE COME BACK TO ME iPhone - my life is not the same without you. Your my everything (literally).

-Teresa

Big Announcement....

Big Announcement tomorrow!!

Until then, enjoy this parody of the Tom Cruise CRAAAAZZZZZYYY Scientology video:



We'll talk tomorrow!

Scrabble

Evil mileage

on my way.

I'm on my way.

In a little bit, I may be spending my mother's final moments with her.

You would think I would be prepared for this, it's been years.

but I'm not. not really.

She's been moved to hospice care, which means at the most she probably has six months, according to my Google search, but my father told me they/he thinks its just a matter of days if not shorter. I've been grieving for her death for many years now, her symptoms started over 10 years ago.

Over a decade now, I've been saying good-bye. But now, it feels like it's finally closing in on me. The reality and the guilt. I should have been there more at the beginning, when she remembered me and knew my face. I should have held her hand more. I should have been the daughter she wanted, and I shouldn't have been so quick to leave - always leaving... I should have. Such is life I suppose, and I can't go back anyway.

I came home to grab some items but I don't think I should be driving right now (judging from the truck I almost hit while going more than 90 mph on my way home).

I figured I'd take a moment to write to calm my emotions before taking on the road again.

So here I am.

I've never wanted a Valium or something like that more than I do right now. I can't stop shaking and my mind, my heart is racing so fast I am having trouble processing normally. I just want to curl up in my comforter like a cocoon, all of this emotion like a roller coaster, and I still don't know if its today or tomorrow, or 6 months from now. I do want her to be in a better, peaceful loving place. I do want to let her go, her current existence is barely a existence at all. Yet the finality of her passing is unbearable and the depth of my current pain surprises me.

Her life has been hard, not just the last 10 years but as long as I have known her it's been a struggle for her to be at peace.

So I pray that soon she will have peace.

My mother:

Cara Lea

the artist
the singer
the cook
the mother

she taught me sign language
she could turn a seemingly empty fridge into a amazing meal
she read me the books that inspired me to dream
she read me the books the inspired me to see the world
she had coco and snacks for me when I came home from school
she hand sewed my clothes and gifts when we had no money for Christmas.
she held me when I was scared
she would make us picnic lunches on the living room floor
she wanted everything to be perfect
she sacrificed everything for me and my brother, never doing anything for herself
she dreamed
she loved me even when I rejected her.

My mother was not perfect, I could tell you some stories, but she was my mother and she loved me and sacrificed for me in ways I am only now beginning to understand. I was not the perfect daughter to her, and I was angry for too long. I wasted so many opportunities to bring peace to our relationship. I missed so many opportunities to...I can't process life right now.

I don't think I can process at all right now. Soon I will drive to see her and I don't know what this weekend holds. My good friend Marcia, who I've known since I was 4 and she was 5 and whom knows my family and knew my mother - she will be with me later in the afternoon. I do know if she does go soon, I don't want her to go all alone. I also don't know if I can be with her as she passes, I don't know if I'm brave enough for that. I've never felt so weak and alone as I do at this moment.


the search for my mother.

part 1
part 2
part 3

I love it!

Marisa's Famous Crack-Pot Fondue!!

It's a Christmas miracle!

I shouldn't post this, but I do a lot of things I shouldn't:

Tonight is magic!

Brilliant!

I've heard this is how it goes down... ;)



link found on Dooce.com

Iphone + Itunes = me soon broke

My current playlist: on repeat

Sheela-Na-Gig 3:12 P.J. Harvey
The Funeral 5:22 Band of Horses
You Outta Know 4:09 Alanis Morissette
Parting Gift 3:37 Fiona Apple
Wasps Nest 3:22 The National
Swagger 3:39 Calla
F**k the World 3:42 The Vines
Both Hands 3:38 Ani DiFranco
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead 4:16 Stars
This Love Affair 3:13 Rufus Wainwright
Radio 3:22 Regina Spector
That Teenage Feeling 2:43 Neko Case
Mama Your Boys will Find a Home 3:57 Scissors for Lefty
Marry Me 4:41 St. Vincent
SexyBack 4:03 Justin Timberlake featuring Timbaland
Separate Ways 5:24 Journey


you do the math

Mr. President

With every news channel flooded with the different view points of all of the hopefuls running for president of the US, I think it's time that a different voice is heard.

Perhaps the voice of the current Iranian president. That's right everyone - there's a new blog in town - and it's Mahmoud Amadeinejad's - the tolerant Iranian leader.

I only read a little last night, and already I've learned so much.

Band of horses - now

My favorite WGA strike video yet:

one...

google chat:

12:07 PM "NAMELESS FRIEND": i can wake board but have never been snowboarding...i heard it's similiar
I need to think of something to do for new years

12:09 PM Me: I was thinking of going somewhere...we should go on a new years road trip. or fly to LA for new years or NYC....or stay and snowboard....something exciting

12:11 PM Me: or maybe i'll stay home alone and watch the ball drop :)

12:12 PM Me: as I watch my tears fall.... :)

12:13 PM Me: as the tears fall............................................................................

12:14 PM Me: "all by myself, don't want to be all by myself, anymore, anymore, anymore"
5 minutes

12:19 PM Me: "One is the loneliest number
That you'll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It's the loneliest number since the number one

No is the saddest experience
You'll ever know
Yes, it's the saddest experience
You'll ever know
Because one is the loneliest number
That'll you'll ever do
One is the loneliest number
That you'll ever know

It's just no good anymore
Since you went away
Now I spend my time
Just making rhymes
Of Yesterday

Because one is the loneliest number
That you'll ever do
One is the loneliest number
That you'll ever know

One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number
That you'll ever do
One is the loneliest number
Much much worse than two
One is a number divided by two
"

STARS

They blew my mind. It was mind blowing. Magic. Magical. Brilliant.
Soul stirring. And they threw flowers.

I sang along to most of their songs like a boy band fan. I was in the
section I would normally try to be hip be cool -aka totally stoic and
unaffected- but I danced and sang along anyway.

Because I couldn't not. (I know at least one person who is cringing at
the grammatic issues in that sentence)

It was a great night.

A good friend + sushi + one of my top 5 bands = a very enchanting
night!!

more writers strike funny escapades

...with a serious message:

Work went really well!!

Working my way up I-5

Shakespeare always says it best.

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.
As You Like It Act 2, scene 7, 139–143


















I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano;
A stage where every man must play a part,
And mine a sad one.
Merchant of Venice Act 1

Trucks + Boy Eats Drum Machine = fun

I'm on shot #3 of tequila, the moral if this story? Top shelf is
better than well tequila, but they all burn when they go down...

last weekend

Even their strikes are funny.

hmmm...

When I was in 3rd grade I remember being befriended by this brown hair boy. I think his name was Nick. Anyway, It was a big deal to have him be my friend, because when I was in 3rd grade I didn't have many friends. Especially not friends like Nick. Nick was one of those charismatic kids that was friends with everyone, and could get away with anything - even befriending the class nerd. I was so happy. He talked to me and played and we even passed notes. He got my jokes and it was great. We laughed a lot.

Well, one day, not realizing that the level of friendship he had with me was the same as everyone else's - nothing special. I decided to pass him one of THOSE notes. You know the notes with the check boxes: yes, no, maybe?

I thought I was going to finally have a boy want to "go out with me" (looking back I can't believe 3rd graders "go out") so I took out my pink pen and wrote the words you can't take back:

I like you, do you like me? Yes, No, Maybe (please check one).

I was hopeful. I took a risk.

I folded up my note like a triangle and wrote on the outside to: Nick from:Teresa and passed it to him under the table.

I saw him unwrap the folded paper and read it as his face turned red. He quickly checked a box and re folded and addressed the note. When he passed it to me I held my breath. I hoped, I hoped and I opened up the note. The box checked was no. My little 3rd grade hands quivered a little. I barely held back the tears and ran to the bathroom. I waited until the ugly cry subsided and came back out into class. The room was filled with ribbing and knowing glances and giggles. I felt rejection and humiliation in a way my little child heart had never known before that point. I knew my friendship was over with Nick.

Looking back to that situation, there are many things I'd like to tell my 3rd grade self. I'd like to tell her about all the boys that will like her and pursue her someday, I'd like to show her pictures of the places that she'll go that she only dreams of and tell her stories of how some of those that mocked her ended up (that's pretty petty though). I'd like to comfort her with tales of men's magazine editors and the rich and the glamorous people that she'll make out with, and date and meet. I'd like to sit her down and tell her about the days in the future when she's a flight attendant and hit on all day by guys much better looking and just as funny as little 3rd grade Nick.

But I wouldn't want to tell her about the emptiness she'll feel after she makes out with one of those random glamorous dudes. I wouldn't want to tell her about the places she'll go that she dreams about - she goes usually alone and never with a hand to hold.

I don't want to tell her that still, over years later at 31 years old when feeling like she is totally fine, secure, confident and happy - she will find herself repeating the same old tired 3rd grade story all over again. Only instead of a note it's a instant message and a email.

That's pretty much the only difference.

How's that for a little Wednesday night vulnerability...:)

-----yes, yes, I may delete this when I think better of it-----

I'm taking a nap right here....

Guess!

If you were to guess the collective costs of the below items, how much
would you guess?

If you guessed $25 you would be the big winner!!! I on the other hand
am not the big winner. ;)

Also, I'm eating at the California pizza kitchen where, they do not
serve pizza. But chili cheese fries and tuna salad they do have. You
silly LA airport! Keeping us guessing....I think the crying during the
book I just read gave me the worst headache known to man....the $25
medication is worth it.

Hour one update-

I just read this book -and it made me cry multiple times. In public.

I have not seen any movie stars, which is just as well, since the last
time I ran into a celeb at LAX I was a bit rude without meaning too...

Flying thru the past

So I just finished flying on my first paid flight on the airline I
used to work for. First off it was a bit odd flying on the plane I
worked on for a year non-stop. Its been 2 years (which is wierd)
almost exactly and it was exactly the same - the placards and
everything. ;) I felt like I was commuting to work like back in the
day. I almost jumped up and help serve the drinks.

The amazing thing us even though its been 2 years, and there are
HUNDREDS of flight crews, I was excited that I knew a couple people on
the crew, on quite well. It was so great to talk to them, and they
were really, really sweet! I hung out on the plane a little after and
helped clean up and do the seat belts up.

It was like old times... kind of makes me miss it a bit, but its easy
to only remember the good times and forget the bad.

They even gave me a large bottle of water to take with me, which is
fantastic.

So its 7:45 now, I only have until 1:45 am for my next flight, so I
have a few hours to kill -if anyone has any suggestions for a fun
night out at the lax airport, feel fee to leave a comment. Mexico -day
of the dead- awaits.

-courtesy of the iPhone!

On my way

I just landed in LAX. I'm preparing myself for a nice 6 hour layover...

Oh, you have no idea.....

More to come...

Have fun in Bend, Matt -great show (that's currently happening)

Jonah Halloween show -farewell show for Matt! :(

The Dimes, dressed like dry cleaning!!

Jonah # 2 and super creepy!

Jonah-Halloween style! #1

Halloween!!

Driving!

Fall!

The picture- kitty cat!!!

8:25 PM - preparing

Planning

Before

A ten minute post

I really want to post a real blog entry tonight. Not just a picture - but I have 10 minutes before I go out. So I have 10 minutes to post something of substance and interest. I think the best way to get this going is to post a random picture from my flickr page as the illustration for the post (if you will).O.K - so I randomly picked a number and then found that number ranked picture in my flickr - and that is the picture of the post. That should give us a good start.

here it is:


boy eats drum machine


The picture is from a BEDM show at Holocene. Good show, good venue.

The first time I went to Holocene I was with my friend Michelle. I believe we were fresh flight attendants at the time, because it was before I had ever been to NYC. The night in question, I was getting ready to go out - when my contacts ripped. Instead of wearing glasses and ruining my hip image, I decided to go blind. What we girls do for beauty is amazing...

So Michelle had to not only guide me around, but described the club to me...now when I say I was blind, I am not embellishing or exaggerating. (for a change) No, when I am without visual help, all I can see is a mis-mash of colors fading into each other....Like a blurry kaleidescope.

So she described the club as all white, with colors and projections of plants on the walls - she said it was sleek like a NY club (which at the time I had not yet seen, but I could imagine). She described how hip and cool everyone was dressed. And most importantly she made sure I knew which boys were and were not my type. The more I partook in beverages, the less clear my vision was - which is saying a lot. It was like I was in a world of visual sensory deprivation - mixed with audio overload. People came to talk to us, and their faces looked like hazy monster faces. Despite that I felt like I was in a world of wonder. I've never really done drugs but I imagine it would be like that.

As the club got louder, and I got dizzier - she announced we were going with some friends we just met across the street. Across the street was a strip club.

Now this strip club, I must say was smoky and dark - the colors were kind of angry and the music was disturbing bad top 40 music. I saw outlines of dancers and the smoke kind of choked me. I am up for new experiences, and all - but this was a bit overwhelming. I sat in the back and waited for the these new friends and my friend to have their fill of their fun.

When they were done they asked what I thought of the dancers being all nude. I was shocked to learn that they were - that I was just in a bar with a bunch of nude women. They didn't believe me that I had no idea, but honestly I thought they were all wearing tan lingerie. I was happy to leave that place.

Later, with my contacts in - I went to Holocene again, probably the next weekend. This time I was able to see for myself this NYC styled hip club. Now, it was cool - and I still think it looks sleek and modern - don't get me wrong. But it never quite met up with the description of Michelle's and the waves of white and colors from my first time there. I almost prefer the hazy not quite visible version to the stark real version.

I think that is how it is in my life sometimes - I prefer the hazy glorious versions of the moments I've experienced in life rather than the stark real ones - no matter how great the real one is. But the problem with that is eventually you go into the hazy places and the colors aren't pretty anymore, and the bright color's turn dark.

I think it's better just to wear my contacts (or my glasses - which by chance I have to wear for the next few days)...live life in the clear.

Well, it's been 10 minutes. (good thing I type fast)

Ciao!
-T

My weekend..

a life to learn by...

Picture of the day

I want to be there right now, listening to my new obsession - In Rainbows, Radiohead

An open letter.....

Dear _________ ,

There have been many times I've almost written this letter to you in the past. I would start to type or write and after just a few words I would have to stop. Today, I'm going to try again. This time we'll see how far I get.

First off, I realize the way things ended the last time was a bit abrupt. It must have seemed as if I was there, and then gone. Like I disappeared. I understand how dis concerning that may have been for you. I am sorry for that. I know it's been a really long time. I have no excuse for that. I have no excuse at all.

Although, I have no excuse I would like to give you a explanation. Have you ever known there was something you had to say to someone, or something that needed to be put right - but when you started to drive over there, or pick up the phone it was like a giant lump growing in your throat? Well, maybe it's just me, but that's how I've felt. Frozen.

Sometimes the things that need to be said the most, are the hardest words to get out.

I have tried. I can't even count the times I was only one exit away from you, but I couldn't turn off the freeway. I've made plans and broken them too many times.

I want you to know I do miss you. I really do. Sometimes I miss you so bad that I can't breathe. I can't even talk to anyone about it. Which is weird, because you know how sometimes I just can't stop talking. I talk and talk and talk - I am a verbal processor that verbalizes more than processes. Yet this is the one thing I talk to no one about.

I know that we fought. Oh did we ever fight. I don't think I've ever fought with anyone as much as we did. I've never really yelled before you. Nor have I since. We were so emotionally charged, all our interactions. Especially towards the end. No one could hurt me like you could with just one word. I'm afraid to admit I'm sure it was the same for you. I'm sorry for being so selfish and pompous. I wouldn't be surprised if the words I yelled and dropped in anger were damaging to you beyond repair.

Please forgive me for the anger. For speaking to you like I knew everything. I realize now, I knew nothing. Nothing about what you've gone thru. I didn't burn this bridge, I blew it up -- and I tried not to look back.

Well I'm looking back now. I think in this case I have to look back. To see you, before I can go forward. This stagnate place I've been floating in the last few years will only continue to fester unless I finally resolve this. I've noticed every relationship in my life is colored by how I've treated you.

I know I need to let you back in my life, I just don't know how to do that. I don't know where to start. I'm scared. I'm scared to see who you are now. I know the last time I saw you, you had changed so much. Who are you now?

Every time my phone rings part of me thinks it's going to be that call, the one that says your really gone - and I have no chance for a do-over. I remember when I was a teenager working in a facility like the one your in, thinking how could their family members ignore them like this? How cruel.

Now I have to admit I'm the cruel one. I've let my fear and pain of seeing you the way you are, selfishly incapacitate me from being there for you.

What is worse, even now as I write this I don't know how I'll get the courage to come see you. I fill my time as full as I can so as not to think about you. I always am though, I always am.

I know you'll never see this, nor would you even understand the words if I read them to you.I know this is a practice in futility.

I am sorry mother, you gave everything up in your life for me. You weren't perfect, far from it but you gave what you had to give. Thank you Mom. I'm sorry I never got to know you as adults. I'm sorry I've rejected you, and turned away in fear and pain. I'm sorry I let my own pain keep me from being there for yours.

I will try, I promise. I will change whatever I need to in my life so I can be there. I tried today, and I got a little closer than I have for a long time. I will try again.

Sincerely,

T

Den of Pigs

I love the power of youtube.com. I'm sitting here watching a Mock-umentary about mail order brides. And there is a funny scene..... within 5 minutes I've found the scene online.

It won't let me embed the video here, but here's the link.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=_VgQMUhVOV0

This is also a little intense:



Now remember, this is a MOCKumentery, not real.

When lightning crashes the world is alive.

Sometimes I jump in my car, turn whatever is in my CD player to the highest volume, and scream as loud as I can. I scream to feel alive

I feel the same way when I'm standing on the beach watching the ocean crash or standing in a country I've never been before.

Sometimes I sit in my room, writing or watching a movie - and everything inside me wants to just feel alive. But I bottle it up and turn up the volume or refresh my myspace screen :)

Below is a portion of verses from Ecclesiastics 11 that Beth sent out today:

"Oh, how sweet the light of day, And how wonderful to live in the sunshine!
Even if you live a long time, don't take a single day for granted. Take delight in each light-filled hour, remembering that there will also be many dark days and that most of what comes your way is smoke.
You who are young, make the most of your youth. Relish your youthful vigor. Follow the impulses of your heart. If something looks good to you, pursue it. But know also that not just anything goes; you have to answer to God for every last bit of it.
Live footloose and fancy free - You won't be young forever. Youth lasts about as long as smoke.
Honor and enjoy your Creator while you're still young, before the years take their toll and your vigor wanes, before your vision dims and the world blurs and the winter years keep you close to the fire."

In a way, this could be a part 2 from my last post. The above quotation is further inspiration to me to get on with the business of what I want my life to look like. Every part of it. While I'm here - on this earth, and before my vision dims and my world blurs, I don't want to waste one more effing minute. I want to feel alive, not just stagnant and floating down life.

I want to BE alive. I want my life to be every bit that I dream it to be - no longer do I want to procrastinate the big dreams of my heart. But I want to live them. To make a difference to my friends, to the world around me. Not to just take.

Everyday, somewhere lightning crashes, but we can wait forever and only manage to see it out in the distance.

Perfect Endings

A friend and I were talking tonight, and I wondered aloud - if you could see yourself in 1 year, what would you want to see you life be? And you doesn't have to be realistic - you can have the fairy tale

We then went back and forth and listed all the great things we wanted out of life. All that could maybe come/appear in a year.

The question came up because of a movie we had watched earlier. The did a flash forward at the end 'One Year Later' and showed all the characters with perfect endings and glorious lives. Everything they wanted had appeared, all with those magical words of movies - 'One Year Later'.

It reminded me of growing up a bit ostracized and definitely out of step. I always wanted to be in the inner circle of the 'cool' kids, I wanted the clothes that were of the moment, I wanted the cute boyfriend. You get the drift I'm sure. And perhaps because I've seen one too many movies - I would always say - Next year. Next year I'll have better clothes, or I'll show up at school and everyone will see how cool I really am. Over the summer, I would plan my grand entrance (In jr. high I imagined walking into class with Mariah Cary playing in the background - SOMEDAY ).

But then September came around, it was back to school - and you know what, I was always still the same person, with the same problems and the same life.

Now, over the years I have changed in a lot of ways. Most of the changes happened when I stopped planning my grand entrance, when I stopped worry (as much) as to fitting in and being the same as everyone else. If I am to be honest though, I still have this perfect life for myself in my mind, and I still think to myself, in a year - next year - one year later. I picture the perfect life, and I am content to think, well, maybe next year my life will look like that.

The thing is, it never does. Life isn't like the movies. But what about right now? What if right now I decide to just be it, if I want my life to look a certain way - why wait for it to magically appear next year. What would happen if I just tried to change it right now. Right this second?

What would that look like? I know that I would have to take a few more risks than I currently feel comfortable with. I know I might need to make some tough decisions, there might be sacrifices, but what if I just said (And pardon my language)"Fuck It".

Fuck it all - wasting my money on crap, watching T.V when I should be writing, spending so much time at movies watching other people (fake people) have life changing moments - instead of having my own. Because instead of trying to live my life to the fullest - Part of me is still the girl with the braces, the giant glasses, the insecurity - that wants to fit right in and look like everyone else.

I could be wrong, but based on the parts of my life that have changed for the better, I think I have to really let that part of me go - and just start to live my life. Not waiting....

Instead of 'One Year Later' maybe I can make it - today?

"Like all great travelers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen." – Benjamin Disraeli

so true, esp. the end.

my adorable neice.

update-ish

I know, I know it's been forever and forever since I've posted anything beyond a few pictures here and there. Ridicule me, I understand.

I should post stories from my trip to Greece, and I do have some stories - including the best wedding ever,and the cute Australian guy that proposed to me after a sweet kiss in one of the most romantic spots - on a ferry, seconds after the top picture was taken. (I sadly had to say no because it was just too much of a commitment, esp. after knowing each other for only a few hours. I thought it best to end the relationship when the ferry docked - It's just too hard to go backwards when you say no to marrying them.).

Also I met three of the most fantastic girls that were attending the wedding.


I ended up being super blessed because they had a empty bed in their villa, so I got to stay with them. Not only was it a money saver (that left funds for shopping at H&M) but I was most lucky to meet some of the smartest, classiest, cultured, funny (beyond funny), well traveled girl friends. I feel really blessed!! And I hope we stay friends beyond the normal flash in the pan travel friends you meet on the road sometimes.

Also, there were our adventures with "Sweet Pea" the rental car without a working 1st gear. She was testy, French, and pea colored but she was ours:



Anyway, there are so many stories I could tell you:
the dancing until 6am, beach bonfire with Jonny giving a unplugged show, the amazing food, learning the Greek dancing, dinner and posh clubs in Athens,unexpected side trips to Budapest,amazing ice making bags, mouse ca ca, floating on the clearest water I've seen, naked old men covering the beaches, seeing my friends from home in a far away land, midnight swimming and so much more - but there's just too much.

For a last minute trip, in which I only stayed for 5 days - it was probably one of my best trips yet. wow.