Sunday, October 14, 2007

An open letter.....

Dear _________ ,

There have been many times I've almost written this letter to you in the past. I would start to type or write and after just a few words I would have to stop. Today, I'm going to try again. This time we'll see how far I get.

First off, I realize the way things ended the last time was a bit abrupt. It must have seemed as if I was there, and then gone. Like I disappeared. I understand how dis concerning that may have been for you. I am sorry for that. I know it's been a really long time. I have no excuse for that. I have no excuse at all.

Although, I have no excuse I would like to give you a explanation. Have you ever known there was something you had to say to someone, or something that needed to be put right - but when you started to drive over there, or pick up the phone it was like a giant lump growing in your throat? Well, maybe it's just me, but that's how I've felt. Frozen.

Sometimes the things that need to be said the most, are the hardest words to get out.

I have tried. I can't even count the times I was only one exit away from you, but I couldn't turn off the freeway. I've made plans and broken them too many times.

I want you to know I do miss you. I really do. Sometimes I miss you so bad that I can't breathe. I can't even talk to anyone about it. Which is weird, because you know how sometimes I just can't stop talking. I talk and talk and talk - I am a verbal processor that verbalizes more than processes. Yet this is the one thing I talk to no one about.

I know that we fought. Oh did we ever fight. I don't think I've ever fought with anyone as much as we did. I've never really yelled before you. Nor have I since. We were so emotionally charged, all our interactions. Especially towards the end. No one could hurt me like you could with just one word. I'm afraid to admit I'm sure it was the same for you. I'm sorry for being so selfish and pompous. I wouldn't be surprised if the words I yelled and dropped in anger were damaging to you beyond repair.

Please forgive me for the anger. For speaking to you like I knew everything. I realize now, I knew nothing. Nothing about what you've gone thru. I didn't burn this bridge, I blew it up -- and I tried not to look back.

Well I'm looking back now. I think in this case I have to look back. To see you, before I can go forward. This stagnate place I've been floating in the last few years will only continue to fester unless I finally resolve this. I've noticed every relationship in my life is colored by how I've treated you.

I know I need to let you back in my life, I just don't know how to do that. I don't know where to start. I'm scared. I'm scared to see who you are now. I know the last time I saw you, you had changed so much. Who are you now?

Every time my phone rings part of me thinks it's going to be that call, the one that says your really gone - and I have no chance for a do-over. I remember when I was a teenager working in a facility like the one your in, thinking how could their family members ignore them like this? How cruel.

Now I have to admit I'm the cruel one. I've let my fear and pain of seeing you the way you are, selfishly incapacitate me from being there for you.

What is worse, even now as I write this I don't know how I'll get the courage to come see you. I fill my time as full as I can so as not to think about you. I always am though, I always am.

I know you'll never see this, nor would you even understand the words if I read them to you.I know this is a practice in futility.

I am sorry mother, you gave everything up in your life for me. You weren't perfect, far from it but you gave what you had to give. Thank you Mom. I'm sorry I never got to know you as adults. I'm sorry I've rejected you, and turned away in fear and pain. I'm sorry I let my own pain keep me from being there for yours.

I will try, I promise. I will change whatever I need to in my life so I can be there. I tried today, and I got a little closer than I have for a long time. I will try again.




Creative Mess said...

aching for you...right there with you. if you need to talk to someone who has zero details, i would love to email. xoxo - e

teresa the writer formally known as flyingwaitress said...

thank you.

Anonymous said...

You are a very strong person for facing this. I hope it helps you find some peace.

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