Death & Taxes

From where the wind blows there is an end, the end is death, and the death is taxes.

HAPPINESS

Happiness: a state of well-being and contentment : joy b: a pleasurable or satisfying experience3: felicity, aptness

I read Martin Amis' book Money today (umm...interesting book). From that book: Happiness is the relief of pain.

The bigger the pain, the bigger the relief, the bigger happiness.

I think that is true.

This week

This week I:

- need to write 100 more pages
- am going back to my natural hair color for at least 6 mo
- will make a decision
- will buy a ticket
- am going out of town for Fri night - Tues Night. But I don't know where yet
- am getting a massage
- am doing things differently
- will get a massage
- celebrate
- pray for more sun
- will not apologize anymore for things I should not apologize for
- center myself
- work at home a few days
- Deep clean the house
- stop being so self-deprecating
- Write 3 PROPER blog posts

This week starts today

Blogging from the trail- kinda wrong in some way...

Lacamas Trail

Williams Family

Logan & Levi

Lisa Glows

From BBC week in pictures

"An Iraqi army soldier looks on as a woman picks up rice at a checkpoint in Sadr City, Baghdad. The Shia suburb is suffering food shortages as troops clash with the Mehdi Army militia." -BBC Week in pictures

Is he smiling?!?!?

posing a question.....

before i hit the town this beautiful Friday night, I would like to pose a question tonight.

Choosing between freedom and stability for the summer - what would you choose? I've had a unexpected offer and I'm having a hard time deciding...

magnolia

Magnolia is one of the only movies I can watch over and over and over and over....

I just finished watching it again.

observations:

Paul Thomas Anderson is a genius.

I think Tom Cruise may have been playing himself. Just insert Scientology in replace of C--k.

I wonder if William H Macy and John C Reily are better actors because they use their middle initial - while most of us ignore ours. Would I be a better writer if I add my middle initial. It does make them seem smarter for some reason...

The frogs rock.

How did they get a cast where everyone acted spot on. No let downs.

I love that movie. Thank you Marisa for making me sit down and watch it with you back in 2002(ish). I am a better person for becoming addicted to that film.

On another note: I am going to hang out with some friends I haven't seen for years in a few minutes. Exciting.

-T

Out tonight.

Self medicating. No more management ever. Celebrating living free with
Jacquie.

Shanghi tunnel for happy hour.

Currently at Ron Toms'.

Next up, 80's and just perhaps a little ironic top 40's dance club.

Almost done

With this career:

Roommates that cook

Can I say how lucky I am to have a roommate that cooks amazing food?!?!

Yesterday, I had homemade pizza. Yummy!

No really, I am super blessed! I have the best roommate EVER(ish)!

Lamb chops & polenta

Amazing food ala Lee - brilliant!!

Zoo with Maresa and Simon

After tea, the zoo

Tea Two

Tea

Tea time with Bonnie

check it out....

iPhone Home

I think I lost my phone.

It's FINE, it's not like it was the most expensive thing I owned (besides my laptop, car and power suit).

Dearest iPhone (Trixie),

PLEASE COME BACK TO ME iPhone - my life is not the same without you. Your my everything (literally).

-Teresa

Big Announcement....

Big Announcement tomorrow!!

Until then, enjoy this parody of the Tom Cruise CRAAAAZZZZZYYY Scientology video:



We'll talk tomorrow!

Scrabble

Evil mileage

on my way.

I'm on my way.

In a little bit, I may be spending my mother's final moments with her.

You would think I would be prepared for this, it's been years.

but I'm not. not really.

She's been moved to hospice care, which means at the most she probably has six months, according to my Google search, but my father told me they/he thinks its just a matter of days if not shorter. I've been grieving for her death for many years now, her symptoms started over 10 years ago.

Over a decade now, I've been saying good-bye. But now, it feels like it's finally closing in on me. The reality and the guilt. I should have been there more at the beginning, when she remembered me and knew my face. I should have held her hand more. I should have been the daughter she wanted, and I shouldn't have been so quick to leave - always leaving... I should have. Such is life I suppose, and I can't go back anyway.

I came home to grab some items but I don't think I should be driving right now (judging from the truck I almost hit while going more than 90 mph on my way home).

I figured I'd take a moment to write to calm my emotions before taking on the road again.

So here I am.

I've never wanted a Valium or something like that more than I do right now. I can't stop shaking and my mind, my heart is racing so fast I am having trouble processing normally. I just want to curl up in my comforter like a cocoon, all of this emotion like a roller coaster, and I still don't know if its today or tomorrow, or 6 months from now. I do want her to be in a better, peaceful loving place. I do want to let her go, her current existence is barely a existence at all. Yet the finality of her passing is unbearable and the depth of my current pain surprises me.

Her life has been hard, not just the last 10 years but as long as I have known her it's been a struggle for her to be at peace.

So I pray that soon she will have peace.

My mother:

Cara Lea

the artist
the singer
the cook
the mother

she taught me sign language
she could turn a seemingly empty fridge into a amazing meal
she read me the books that inspired me to dream
she read me the books the inspired me to see the world
she had coco and snacks for me when I came home from school
she hand sewed my clothes and gifts when we had no money for Christmas.
she held me when I was scared
she would make us picnic lunches on the living room floor
she wanted everything to be perfect
she sacrificed everything for me and my brother, never doing anything for herself
she dreamed
she loved me even when I rejected her.

My mother was not perfect, I could tell you some stories, but she was my mother and she loved me and sacrificed for me in ways I am only now beginning to understand. I was not the perfect daughter to her, and I was angry for too long. I wasted so many opportunities to bring peace to our relationship. I missed so many opportunities to...I can't process life right now.

I don't think I can process at all right now. Soon I will drive to see her and I don't know what this weekend holds. My good friend Marcia, who I've known since I was 4 and she was 5 and whom knows my family and knew my mother - she will be with me later in the afternoon. I do know if she does go soon, I don't want her to go all alone. I also don't know if I can be with her as she passes, I don't know if I'm brave enough for that. I've never felt so weak and alone as I do at this moment.


the search for my mother.

part 1
part 2
part 3

I love it!

Marisa's Famous Crack-Pot Fondue!!

It's a Christmas miracle!

I shouldn't post this, but I do a lot of things I shouldn't:

Tonight is magic!

Brilliant!

I've heard this is how it goes down... ;)



link found on Dooce.com

Iphone + Itunes = me soon broke

My current playlist: on repeat

Sheela-Na-Gig 3:12 P.J. Harvey
The Funeral 5:22 Band of Horses
You Outta Know 4:09 Alanis Morissette
Parting Gift 3:37 Fiona Apple
Wasps Nest 3:22 The National
Swagger 3:39 Calla
F**k the World 3:42 The Vines
Both Hands 3:38 Ani DiFranco
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead 4:16 Stars
This Love Affair 3:13 Rufus Wainwright
Radio 3:22 Regina Spector
That Teenage Feeling 2:43 Neko Case
Mama Your Boys will Find a Home 3:57 Scissors for Lefty
Marry Me 4:41 St. Vincent
SexyBack 4:03 Justin Timberlake featuring Timbaland
Separate Ways 5:24 Journey


you do the math

Mr. President

With every news channel flooded with the different view points of all of the hopefuls running for president of the US, I think it's time that a different voice is heard.

Perhaps the voice of the current Iranian president. That's right everyone - there's a new blog in town - and it's Mahmoud Amadeinejad's - the tolerant Iranian leader.

I only read a little last night, and already I've learned so much.

Band of horses - now

My favorite WGA strike video yet:

one...

google chat:

12:07 PM "NAMELESS FRIEND": i can wake board but have never been snowboarding...i heard it's similiar
I need to think of something to do for new years

12:09 PM Me: I was thinking of going somewhere...we should go on a new years road trip. or fly to LA for new years or NYC....or stay and snowboard....something exciting

12:11 PM Me: or maybe i'll stay home alone and watch the ball drop :)

12:12 PM Me: as I watch my tears fall.... :)

12:13 PM Me: as the tears fall............................................................................

12:14 PM Me: "all by myself, don't want to be all by myself, anymore, anymore, anymore"
5 minutes

12:19 PM Me: "One is the loneliest number
That you'll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It's the loneliest number since the number one

No is the saddest experience
You'll ever know
Yes, it's the saddest experience
You'll ever know
Because one is the loneliest number
That'll you'll ever do
One is the loneliest number
That you'll ever know

It's just no good anymore
Since you went away
Now I spend my time
Just making rhymes
Of Yesterday

Because one is the loneliest number
That you'll ever do
One is the loneliest number
That you'll ever know

One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number
That you'll ever do
One is the loneliest number
Much much worse than two
One is a number divided by two
"

STARS

They blew my mind. It was mind blowing. Magic. Magical. Brilliant.
Soul stirring. And they threw flowers.

I sang along to most of their songs like a boy band fan. I was in the
section I would normally try to be hip be cool -aka totally stoic and
unaffected- but I danced and sang along anyway.

Because I couldn't not. (I know at least one person who is cringing at
the grammatic issues in that sentence)

It was a great night.

A good friend + sushi + one of my top 5 bands = a very enchanting
night!!

more writers strike funny escapades

...with a serious message:

Work went really well!!

Working my way up I-5

Shakespeare always says it best.

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.
As You Like It Act 2, scene 7, 139–143


















I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano;
A stage where every man must play a part,
And mine a sad one.
Merchant of Venice Act 1

Trucks + Boy Eats Drum Machine = fun

I'm on shot #3 of tequila, the moral if this story? Top shelf is
better than well tequila, but they all burn when they go down...

last weekend

Even their strikes are funny.

hmmm...

When I was in 3rd grade I remember being befriended by this brown hair boy. I think his name was Nick. Anyway, It was a big deal to have him be my friend, because when I was in 3rd grade I didn't have many friends. Especially not friends like Nick. Nick was one of those charismatic kids that was friends with everyone, and could get away with anything - even befriending the class nerd. I was so happy. He talked to me and played and we even passed notes. He got my jokes and it was great. We laughed a lot.

Well, one day, not realizing that the level of friendship he had with me was the same as everyone else's - nothing special. I decided to pass him one of THOSE notes. You know the notes with the check boxes: yes, no, maybe?

I thought I was going to finally have a boy want to "go out with me" (looking back I can't believe 3rd graders "go out") so I took out my pink pen and wrote the words you can't take back:

I like you, do you like me? Yes, No, Maybe (please check one).

I was hopeful. I took a risk.

I folded up my note like a triangle and wrote on the outside to: Nick from:Teresa and passed it to him under the table.

I saw him unwrap the folded paper and read it as his face turned red. He quickly checked a box and re folded and addressed the note. When he passed it to me I held my breath. I hoped, I hoped and I opened up the note. The box checked was no. My little 3rd grade hands quivered a little. I barely held back the tears and ran to the bathroom. I waited until the ugly cry subsided and came back out into class. The room was filled with ribbing and knowing glances and giggles. I felt rejection and humiliation in a way my little child heart had never known before that point. I knew my friendship was over with Nick.

Looking back to that situation, there are many things I'd like to tell my 3rd grade self. I'd like to tell her about all the boys that will like her and pursue her someday, I'd like to show her pictures of the places that she'll go that she only dreams of and tell her stories of how some of those that mocked her ended up (that's pretty petty though). I'd like to comfort her with tales of men's magazine editors and the rich and the glamorous people that she'll make out with, and date and meet. I'd like to sit her down and tell her about the days in the future when she's a flight attendant and hit on all day by guys much better looking and just as funny as little 3rd grade Nick.

But I wouldn't want to tell her about the emptiness she'll feel after she makes out with one of those random glamorous dudes. I wouldn't want to tell her about the places she'll go that she dreams about - she goes usually alone and never with a hand to hold.

I don't want to tell her that still, over years later at 31 years old when feeling like she is totally fine, secure, confident and happy - she will find herself repeating the same old tired 3rd grade story all over again. Only instead of a note it's a instant message and a email.

That's pretty much the only difference.

How's that for a little Wednesday night vulnerability...:)

-----yes, yes, I may delete this when I think better of it-----

I'm taking a nap right here....

Guess!

If you were to guess the collective costs of the below items, how much
would you guess?

If you guessed $25 you would be the big winner!!! I on the other hand
am not the big winner. ;)

Also, I'm eating at the California pizza kitchen where, they do not
serve pizza. But chili cheese fries and tuna salad they do have. You
silly LA airport! Keeping us guessing....I think the crying during the
book I just read gave me the worst headache known to man....the $25
medication is worth it.

Hour one update-

I just read this book -and it made me cry multiple times. In public.

I have not seen any movie stars, which is just as well, since the last
time I ran into a celeb at LAX I was a bit rude without meaning too...

Flying thru the past

So I just finished flying on my first paid flight on the airline I
used to work for. First off it was a bit odd flying on the plane I
worked on for a year non-stop. Its been 2 years (which is wierd)
almost exactly and it was exactly the same - the placards and
everything. ;) I felt like I was commuting to work like back in the
day. I almost jumped up and help serve the drinks.

The amazing thing us even though its been 2 years, and there are
HUNDREDS of flight crews, I was excited that I knew a couple people on
the crew, on quite well. It was so great to talk to them, and they
were really, really sweet! I hung out on the plane a little after and
helped clean up and do the seat belts up.

It was like old times... kind of makes me miss it a bit, but its easy
to only remember the good times and forget the bad.

They even gave me a large bottle of water to take with me, which is
fantastic.

So its 7:45 now, I only have until 1:45 am for my next flight, so I
have a few hours to kill -if anyone has any suggestions for a fun
night out at the lax airport, feel fee to leave a comment. Mexico -day
of the dead- awaits.

-courtesy of the iPhone!

On my way

I just landed in LAX. I'm preparing myself for a nice 6 hour layover...

Oh, you have no idea.....

More to come...

Have fun in Bend, Matt -great show (that's currently happening)

Jonah Halloween show -farewell show for Matt! :(

The Dimes, dressed like dry cleaning!!

Jonah # 2 and super creepy!

Jonah-Halloween style! #1

Halloween!!

Driving!

Fall!

The picture- kitty cat!!!

8:25 PM - preparing

Planning

Before