Monday, April 02, 2007

Death

I just finished watching the last episode of six feet under agian.

actually, it was the last 5 minutes (you may not want to continue if you don't want to know the end)

the part where claire is driving thru the desert and it flashes by the deaths of all the characters.

what struck me this time, was the end years. ya know, 1976-2054. As everyone's lifetime flashed up at the screen the end years really hit me.

It caused me (a bit franicly) to calculate what year I would die if I lived to 70,or 80 or like my grandfathers before me - to 100. When I hit 70 - I went backwards and calcuated how many years were left before then - because to me 70 is the definition of old age.

39 years until 70. 29 until 60.

my mother started showing symptoms of Alzheimers in her early fifties.

19 years until 50.

I feel as if time was running out. Like there is something that I'm supposed to be doing, accomplishing and I haven't even started yet.

A few months ago I was walking down a street in Portland, OR called Hawthorne. I watched a little girl about 10 or 11 walk by me. I thought to myself, I wonder if when I was 9 I could see where I am now and be happy about what I've done/become in my life so far.

I began to take a inner tally, the places I've seen, the experiences I've had - and in somethings I felt pretty ok. But in others, in others I did not. I had this unsettled feeling as if I was just running away from something, just filling my life with destinations and "good stories" to distract me from the hard parts in life - or something that I was supposed to be doing, accomplishing.

I told myself, I'm still young I have time.

but the years do go by faster and faster. As the quote goes - time stands still for no man.

Tonight, as I counted up the years till old age and death - I remembered that day on Hawthorne and so far the unsettled feeling reappears and it's not going away.

I suppose life is meant to be lived - and I should get about the buisness of living it. But what does that really mean?

Perhaps my life has become too self-centered, to easy to escape.

I apologize for the morbid post.

Any thoughts on this? Cause I'm all tapped out tonight. I don't think this will lend itself to very sweet dreams - but dream I will, because sleep calls.

When I die, and I suppose we all must, how will I be remembered? - and will my existence even make a ripple in the world.

last scene of Six Feet Under


if you can't see the above video - here's the link

2 comments:

MJAPA said...

God, that is the best ending, but it is hard to watch and not bust out crying. I know just what you mean. I look at the fact that my kid is a teenager in a few months and I start to wonder when I got old. I just try to focus on the fact that there might be even more adventures out there, and hope I get lots of time to do whatever I might dream up.

kazuhank said...

why;d you have to include the video clip? of course i had to watch it and once again cry. that ending gets me every time, but then again, six feet under got me every time too. it's is hands down the best ending to my favorite show.

and yes, you're old. we all are. but we're getting better with age.

 
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