Following Dreams

picture taken 7-3-06 from the top of Rocky Butte hill in Portland. (Natures Fireworks - a day early)

So I bought the book, The Alchemist,a few weeks ago, last night I sat down with it for a few minutes, and then later I finished reading it until 4am. (Jacquie, I'll give you a copy)

Very inspiring book, a brilliant way to inspire following your purpose, and finding out what that is, following your dreams.

Then this morning, I went to youtube to watch a flight of the concords video, and on the front page I saw that a man died. Dr. Randy Pausch, a man that was inspirational for a lecture he gave, when he realized he was going to die of cancer.

So I watched a shorter version of his lecture agian (that was given on Oprah) online. It is also about following childhood dreams. This is something that is very timely for me personally, as in about 2 weeks I am going to kind of jump out of the plane so to speak. Every day I have a different vision of what I am going to be doing when I leave work. I have blogged about traveling around the world, I have also had second thoughts about being gone that long, I have applied for the Peace Corp, I have decided I'm just going to stay here and write, or maybe I'll take a road trip, go freelance - starting my own business, or find a fun sexy job, even be a flight attendant again....

I kind of think it might be annoying to my friends, since my plan changes almost daily (a lot to keep up with), but it's like I don't know my own mind. Or the options are so many I just can't choose. I have at least come to this decision. I will spend at least a month focused on listening. This has been my problem all along, wanting to do everything so I don't do anything. One reason I never went to college, was the idea of having to CHOOSE a major was mind blowing-ly scary.

So reading the book last night, and watching this video this morning, kind of put it in focus a bit. That is what, at least the next 6 months will be about, following my dreams... Hopefully I will start a habit.

Here is the abbreviated version of his lecture, I hope it is as inspiring to you as it was to me:



Dr. Randy Pausch passed away the morning of July 25, 2008.

En route

Sasquatch!!

On my way...

Obama!!

Seymour Green Commercial - for the theaters!

Traveling without a guidebook....

(I love how I look pregnant and balding in this picture, how flattering)

When I was on my flight to Greece, I thought it would be great to travel to Mars Hill (Areopagus). Growing up in the church I read the bible story about Paul the apostle talking with the great philosophers on Mars Hill. I had always wanted to go to that spot.

So when I was in the Athens portion of my trip, touring around with my friend Brooke. I figured we didn't have time to track down this Mars Hill. We went up to the Acropolis though - following signs hiked above the city. Before we were all the way up to the Acropolis we sumbled upon the hill that I am pictured standing on above. Everyone was gathered around taking pictures. I assumed that it was to get the great vantage point of the Acropolis in the background. We stumbled on the stairs up and down.

When we finally got up to the Acropolis we decided not to hire a guide. We did however follow the rules:



Such as it being forbidden to sing. I didn't sing.

Since we didn't know what we were looking at, we decided to follow around other tours. The upside, there was a few English speaking tours going on. The downside, they were all 80 years old (as most international tours seem to be) so we didn't really blend in.

So we were KINDA able to figure out what we were looking at





I felt good about seeing the ancient ruins and all, but I was bummed I didn't make it to Mars Hill.

Well that was last September.

Last night I happened on a blog about traveling through Greece. They talked about Mars Hill, it sounded a little to much like the hill that I had been to right before the Acropolis...a little too much. After a quick Google search I realized I HAD been to Mars Hill.





What a strange feeling, to find out I had already been somewhere, after thinking I missed out.

Why to travel with a guidebook, or a guide. I should have goggled it on my phone....

I'll leave you know with the portion of the bible in regard to Paul being at Mar's Hill:

A group of Epicurean and Stoic philosophers began to dispute with him. Some of them asked, "What is this babbler trying to say?" Others remarked, "He seems to be advocating foreign gods." They said this because Paul was preaching the good news about Jesus and the resurrection.

Then they took him and brought him to a meeting of the Areopagus, where they said to him, "May we know what this new teaching is that you are presenting? You are bringing some strange ideas to our ears, and we want to know what they mean. (All the Athenians and the foreigners who lived there spent their time doing nothing but talking about and listening to the latest ideas.)

Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: "Men of Athens! I see that in every way you are very religious. For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: TO AN UNKNOWN GOD. Now what you worship as something unknown I am going to proclaim to you."

...When they heard about the resurrection of the dead, some of them sneered, but others said, "We want to hear you again on this subject." At that, Paul left the Council. A few men became followers of Paul and believed. Among them was Dionysius, a member of the Areopagus, also a woman named Damaris, and a number of others.

Peace

After spending so much time trapped inside pecking on my laptop,editing and formatting, how peaceful is this? 7pm (ish) sunny, warm.Listening to radiohead and radiohead light (coldplay) outside my house.

I definitely think I have that seasonal depression thing, because I am so happy,hopeful when the sun is out - and the opposite when its cloudy and raining.... Great thing I live in the rainy northwest (personification of gray or grey)!!

Update: while writing this post I forgot my food heating on the oven......blackened now. I do like Louisiana..... ;-)

Death & Taxes

From where the wind blows there is an end, the end is death, and the death is taxes.

HAPPINESS

Happiness: a state of well-being and contentment : joy b: a pleasurable or satisfying experience3: felicity, aptness

I read Martin Amis' book Money today (umm...interesting book). From that book: Happiness is the relief of pain.

The bigger the pain, the bigger the relief, the bigger happiness.

I think that is true.

This week

This week I:

- need to write 100 more pages
- am going back to my natural hair color for at least 6 mo
- will make a decision
- will buy a ticket
- am going out of town for Fri night - Tues Night. But I don't know where yet
- am getting a massage
- am doing things differently
- will get a massage
- celebrate
- pray for more sun
- will not apologize anymore for things I should not apologize for
- center myself
- work at home a few days
- Deep clean the house
- stop being so self-deprecating
- Write 3 PROPER blog posts

This week starts today

Blogging from the trail- kinda wrong in some way...

Lacamas Trail

Williams Family

Logan & Levi

Lisa Glows

From BBC week in pictures

"An Iraqi army soldier looks on as a woman picks up rice at a checkpoint in Sadr City, Baghdad. The Shia suburb is suffering food shortages as troops clash with the Mehdi Army militia." -BBC Week in pictures

Is he smiling?!?!?

posing a question.....

before i hit the town this beautiful Friday night, I would like to pose a question tonight.

Choosing between freedom and stability for the summer - what would you choose? I've had a unexpected offer and I'm having a hard time deciding...

magnolia

Magnolia is one of the only movies I can watch over and over and over and over....

I just finished watching it again.

observations:

Paul Thomas Anderson is a genius.

I think Tom Cruise may have been playing himself. Just insert Scientology in replace of C--k.

I wonder if William H Macy and John C Reily are better actors because they use their middle initial - while most of us ignore ours. Would I be a better writer if I add my middle initial. It does make them seem smarter for some reason...

The frogs rock.

How did they get a cast where everyone acted spot on. No let downs.

I love that movie. Thank you Marisa for making me sit down and watch it with you back in 2002(ish). I am a better person for becoming addicted to that film.

On another note: I am going to hang out with some friends I haven't seen for years in a few minutes. Exciting.

-T

Out tonight.

Self medicating. No more management ever. Celebrating living free with
Jacquie.

Shanghi tunnel for happy hour.

Currently at Ron Toms'.

Next up, 80's and just perhaps a little ironic top 40's dance club.

Almost done

With this career:

Roommates that cook

Can I say how lucky I am to have a roommate that cooks amazing food?!?!

Yesterday, I had homemade pizza. Yummy!

No really, I am super blessed! I have the best roommate EVER(ish)!

Lamb chops & polenta

Amazing food ala Lee - brilliant!!

Zoo with Maresa and Simon

After tea, the zoo

Tea Two

Tea

Tea time with Bonnie

check it out....

iPhone Home

I think I lost my phone.

It's FINE, it's not like it was the most expensive thing I owned (besides my laptop, car and power suit).

Dearest iPhone (Trixie),

PLEASE COME BACK TO ME iPhone - my life is not the same without you. Your my everything (literally).

-Teresa

Big Announcement....

Big Announcement tomorrow!!

Until then, enjoy this parody of the Tom Cruise CRAAAAZZZZZYYY Scientology video:



We'll talk tomorrow!

Scrabble

Evil mileage

on my way.

I'm on my way.

In a little bit, I may be spending my mother's final moments with her.

You would think I would be prepared for this, it's been years.

but I'm not. not really.

She's been moved to hospice care, which means at the most she probably has six months, according to my Google search, but my father told me they/he thinks its just a matter of days if not shorter. I've been grieving for her death for many years now, her symptoms started over 10 years ago.

Over a decade now, I've been saying good-bye. But now, it feels like it's finally closing in on me. The reality and the guilt. I should have been there more at the beginning, when she remembered me and knew my face. I should have held her hand more. I should have been the daughter she wanted, and I shouldn't have been so quick to leave - always leaving... I should have. Such is life I suppose, and I can't go back anyway.

I came home to grab some items but I don't think I should be driving right now (judging from the truck I almost hit while going more than 90 mph on my way home).

I figured I'd take a moment to write to calm my emotions before taking on the road again.

So here I am.

I've never wanted a Valium or something like that more than I do right now. I can't stop shaking and my mind, my heart is racing so fast I am having trouble processing normally. I just want to curl up in my comforter like a cocoon, all of this emotion like a roller coaster, and I still don't know if its today or tomorrow, or 6 months from now. I do want her to be in a better, peaceful loving place. I do want to let her go, her current existence is barely a existence at all. Yet the finality of her passing is unbearable and the depth of my current pain surprises me.

Her life has been hard, not just the last 10 years but as long as I have known her it's been a struggle for her to be at peace.

So I pray that soon she will have peace.

My mother:

Cara Lea

the artist
the singer
the cook
the mother

she taught me sign language
she could turn a seemingly empty fridge into a amazing meal
she read me the books that inspired me to dream
she read me the books the inspired me to see the world
she had coco and snacks for me when I came home from school
she hand sewed my clothes and gifts when we had no money for Christmas.
she held me when I was scared
she would make us picnic lunches on the living room floor
she wanted everything to be perfect
she sacrificed everything for me and my brother, never doing anything for herself
she dreamed
she loved me even when I rejected her.

My mother was not perfect, I could tell you some stories, but she was my mother and she loved me and sacrificed for me in ways I am only now beginning to understand. I was not the perfect daughter to her, and I was angry for too long. I wasted so many opportunities to bring peace to our relationship. I missed so many opportunities to...I can't process life right now.

I don't think I can process at all right now. Soon I will drive to see her and I don't know what this weekend holds. My good friend Marcia, who I've known since I was 4 and she was 5 and whom knows my family and knew my mother - she will be with me later in the afternoon. I do know if she does go soon, I don't want her to go all alone. I also don't know if I can be with her as she passes, I don't know if I'm brave enough for that. I've never felt so weak and alone as I do at this moment.


the search for my mother.

part 1
part 2
part 3