Friday, January 11, 2008

on my way.

I'm on my way.

In a little bit, I may be spending my mother's final moments with her.

You would think I would be prepared for this, it's been years.

but I'm not. not really.

She's been moved to hospice care, which means at the most she probably has six months, according to my Google search, but my father told me they/he thinks its just a matter of days if not shorter. I've been grieving for her death for many years now, her symptoms started over 10 years ago.

Over a decade now, I've been saying good-bye. But now, it feels like it's finally closing in on me. The reality and the guilt. I should have been there more at the beginning, when she remembered me and knew my face. I should have held her hand more. I should have been the daughter she wanted, and I shouldn't have been so quick to leave - always leaving... I should have. Such is life I suppose, and I can't go back anyway.

I came home to grab some items but I don't think I should be driving right now (judging from the truck I almost hit while going more than 90 mph on my way home).

I figured I'd take a moment to write to calm my emotions before taking on the road again.

So here I am.

I've never wanted a Valium or something like that more than I do right now. I can't stop shaking and my mind, my heart is racing so fast I am having trouble processing normally. I just want to curl up in my comforter like a cocoon, all of this emotion like a roller coaster, and I still don't know if its today or tomorrow, or 6 months from now. I do want her to be in a better, peaceful loving place. I do want to let her go, her current existence is barely a existence at all. Yet the finality of her passing is unbearable and the depth of my current pain surprises me.

Her life has been hard, not just the last 10 years but as long as I have known her it's been a struggle for her to be at peace.

So I pray that soon she will have peace.

My mother:

Cara Lea

the artist
the singer
the cook
the mother

she taught me sign language
she could turn a seemingly empty fridge into a amazing meal
she read me the books that inspired me to dream
she read me the books the inspired me to see the world
she had coco and snacks for me when I came home from school
she hand sewed my clothes and gifts when we had no money for Christmas.
she held me when I was scared
she would make us picnic lunches on the living room floor
she wanted everything to be perfect
she sacrificed everything for me and my brother, never doing anything for herself
she dreamed
she loved me even when I rejected her.

My mother was not perfect, I could tell you some stories, but she was my mother and she loved me and sacrificed for me in ways I am only now beginning to understand. I was not the perfect daughter to her, and I was angry for too long. I wasted so many opportunities to bring peace to our relationship. I missed so many opportunities to...I can't process life right now.

I don't think I can process at all right now. Soon I will drive to see her and I don't know what this weekend holds. My good friend Marcia, who I've known since I was 4 and she was 5 and whom knows my family and knew my mother - she will be with me later in the afternoon. I do know if she does go soon, I don't want her to go all alone. I also don't know if I can be with her as she passes, I don't know if I'm brave enough for that. I've never felt so weak and alone as I do at this moment.

the search for my mother.

part 1
part 2
part 3


MJAPA said...

Oh my goodness. Very heavy. My thoughts are with you, friend. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Dearest Teresa, I'm praying for you and your whole family!

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