Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Perfect Endings

A friend and I were talking tonight, and I wondered aloud - if you could see yourself in 1 year, what would you want to see you life be? And you doesn't have to be realistic - you can have the fairy tale

We then went back and forth and listed all the great things we wanted out of life. All that could maybe come/appear in a year.

The question came up because of a movie we had watched earlier. The did a flash forward at the end 'One Year Later' and showed all the characters with perfect endings and glorious lives. Everything they wanted had appeared, all with those magical words of movies - 'One Year Later'.

It reminded me of growing up a bit ostracized and definitely out of step. I always wanted to be in the inner circle of the 'cool' kids, I wanted the clothes that were of the moment, I wanted the cute boyfriend. You get the drift I'm sure. And perhaps because I've seen one too many movies - I would always say - Next year. Next year I'll have better clothes, or I'll show up at school and everyone will see how cool I really am. Over the summer, I would plan my grand entrance (In jr. high I imagined walking into class with Mariah Cary playing in the background - SOMEDAY ).

But then September came around, it was back to school - and you know what, I was always still the same person, with the same problems and the same life.

Now, over the years I have changed in a lot of ways. Most of the changes happened when I stopped planning my grand entrance, when I stopped worry (as much) as to fitting in and being the same as everyone else. If I am to be honest though, I still have this perfect life for myself in my mind, and I still think to myself, in a year - next year - one year later. I picture the perfect life, and I am content to think, well, maybe next year my life will look like that.

The thing is, it never does. Life isn't like the movies. But what about right now? What if right now I decide to just be it, if I want my life to look a certain way - why wait for it to magically appear next year. What would happen if I just tried to change it right now. Right this second?

What would that look like? I know that I would have to take a few more risks than I currently feel comfortable with. I know I might need to make some tough decisions, there might be sacrifices, but what if I just said (And pardon my language)"Fuck It".

Fuck it all - wasting my money on crap, watching T.V when I should be writing, spending so much time at movies watching other people (fake people) have life changing moments - instead of having my own. Because instead of trying to live my life to the fullest - Part of me is still the girl with the braces, the giant glasses, the insecurity - that wants to fit right in and look like everyone else.

I could be wrong, but based on the parts of my life that have changed for the better, I think I have to really let that part of me go - and just start to live my life. Not waiting....

Instead of 'One Year Later' maybe I can make it - today?


Gretaseacat said...

but i'm too scared...

teresa the writer formally known as flyingwaitress said...

yeah, me too...

moz said...

I say, do it! I think faith has something to do with it too.

Creative Mess said...

"Part of me is still the girl with the braces, the giant glasses, the insecurity - that wants to fit right in and look like everyone else. "
Funny, cause I am still the girl in 6th grade who experienced her first year of "real" school (having been brought up in private school all my life) and the kids barked as I went down the hallway, calling me "Barkway" and a dog. Whenever I enter a room, even to this day, I am still that little scared girl, ugly, new and unpopular. Someone is going to start barking, callme a dog and snicker. Will we ever get over that sick feeling of not really fitting in? Or will it haunt us for the rest of our lives as women?

teresa the writer formally known as flyingwaitress said...

well said Erin.
wow, it makes me so mad that the comments that were made when we were young were so powerful and put such a imprint on our lives.

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