Perfect Endings

A friend and I were talking tonight, and I wondered aloud - if you could see yourself in 1 year, what would you want to see you life be? And you doesn't have to be realistic - you can have the fairy tale

We then went back and forth and listed all the great things we wanted out of life. All that could maybe come/appear in a year.

The question came up because of a movie we had watched earlier. The did a flash forward at the end 'One Year Later' and showed all the characters with perfect endings and glorious lives. Everything they wanted had appeared, all with those magical words of movies - 'One Year Later'.

It reminded me of growing up a bit ostracized and definitely out of step. I always wanted to be in the inner circle of the 'cool' kids, I wanted the clothes that were of the moment, I wanted the cute boyfriend. You get the drift I'm sure. And perhaps because I've seen one too many movies - I would always say - Next year. Next year I'll have better clothes, or I'll show up at school and everyone will see how cool I really am. Over the summer, I would plan my grand entrance (In jr. high I imagined walking into class with Mariah Cary playing in the background - SOMEDAY ).

But then September came around, it was back to school - and you know what, I was always still the same person, with the same problems and the same life.

Now, over the years I have changed in a lot of ways. Most of the changes happened when I stopped planning my grand entrance, when I stopped worry (as much) as to fitting in and being the same as everyone else. If I am to be honest though, I still have this perfect life for myself in my mind, and I still think to myself, in a year - next year - one year later. I picture the perfect life, and I am content to think, well, maybe next year my life will look like that.

The thing is, it never does. Life isn't like the movies. But what about right now? What if right now I decide to just be it, if I want my life to look a certain way - why wait for it to magically appear next year. What would happen if I just tried to change it right now. Right this second?

What would that look like? I know that I would have to take a few more risks than I currently feel comfortable with. I know I might need to make some tough decisions, there might be sacrifices, but what if I just said (And pardon my language)"Fuck It".

Fuck it all - wasting my money on crap, watching T.V when I should be writing, spending so much time at movies watching other people (fake people) have life changing moments - instead of having my own. Because instead of trying to live my life to the fullest - Part of me is still the girl with the braces, the giant glasses, the insecurity - that wants to fit right in and look like everyone else.

I could be wrong, but based on the parts of my life that have changed for the better, I think I have to really let that part of me go - and just start to live my life. Not waiting....

Instead of 'One Year Later' maybe I can make it - today?

"Like all great travelers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen." – Benjamin Disraeli

so true, esp. the end.

my adorable neice.

update-ish

I know, I know it's been forever and forever since I've posted anything beyond a few pictures here and there. Ridicule me, I understand.

I should post stories from my trip to Greece, and I do have some stories - including the best wedding ever,and the cute Australian guy that proposed to me after a sweet kiss in one of the most romantic spots - on a ferry, seconds after the top picture was taken. (I sadly had to say no because it was just too much of a commitment, esp. after knowing each other for only a few hours. I thought it best to end the relationship when the ferry docked - It's just too hard to go backwards when you say no to marrying them.).

Also I met three of the most fantastic girls that were attending the wedding.


I ended up being super blessed because they had a empty bed in their villa, so I got to stay with them. Not only was it a money saver (that left funds for shopping at H&M) but I was most lucky to meet some of the smartest, classiest, cultured, funny (beyond funny), well traveled girl friends. I feel really blessed!! And I hope we stay friends beyond the normal flash in the pan travel friends you meet on the road sometimes.

Also, there were our adventures with "Sweet Pea" the rental car without a working 1st gear. She was testy, French, and pea colored but she was ours:



Anyway, there are so many stories I could tell you:
the dancing until 6am, beach bonfire with Jonny giving a unplugged show, the amazing food, learning the Greek dancing, dinner and posh clubs in Athens,unexpected side trips to Budapest,amazing ice making bags, mouse ca ca, floating on the clearest water I've seen, naked old men covering the beaches, seeing my friends from home in a far away land, midnight swimming and so much more - but there's just too much.

For a last minute trip, in which I only stayed for 5 days - it was probably one of my best trips yet. wow.

Greece!

GREECE ROCKED! - I was only there for 5 days, but it was very much worth it!

I need a map.

I've found I've been getting grumpy, short and distracted lately.

When I feel unfocused, I know it's time to get away, so a few days ago I decided to go to a wedding in Greece, I leave on Wednesday.

I better get a map though....

sometimes...

...when your a girl.

My #1 fear during my childhood

This was my #1 biggest fear during my childhood - I should mention, I grew up during the 80's...



if you can't see this, click here

Death

I just finished watching the last episode of six feet under agian.

actually, it was the last 5 minutes (you may not want to continue if you don't want to know the end)

the part where claire is driving thru the desert and it flashes by the deaths of all the characters.

what struck me this time, was the end years. ya know, 1976-2054. As everyone's lifetime flashed up at the screen the end years really hit me.

It caused me (a bit franicly) to calculate what year I would die if I lived to 70,or 80 or like my grandfathers before me - to 100. When I hit 70 - I went backwards and calcuated how many years were left before then - because to me 70 is the definition of old age.

39 years until 70. 29 until 60.

my mother started showing symptoms of Alzheimers in her early fifties.

19 years until 50.

I feel as if time was running out. Like there is something that I'm supposed to be doing, accomplishing and I haven't even started yet.

A few months ago I was walking down a street in Portland, OR called Hawthorne. I watched a little girl about 10 or 11 walk by me. I thought to myself, I wonder if when I was 9 I could see where I am now and be happy about what I've done/become in my life so far.

I began to take a inner tally, the places I've seen, the experiences I've had - and in somethings I felt pretty ok. But in others, in others I did not. I had this unsettled feeling as if I was just running away from something, just filling my life with destinations and "good stories" to distract me from the hard parts in life - or something that I was supposed to be doing, accomplishing.

I told myself, I'm still young I have time.

but the years do go by faster and faster. As the quote goes - time stands still for no man.

Tonight, as I counted up the years till old age and death - I remembered that day on Hawthorne and so far the unsettled feeling reappears and it's not going away.

I suppose life is meant to be lived - and I should get about the buisness of living it. But what does that really mean?

Perhaps my life has become too self-centered, to easy to escape.

I apologize for the morbid post.

Any thoughts on this? Cause I'm all tapped out tonight. I don't think this will lend itself to very sweet dreams - but dream I will, because sleep calls.

When I die, and I suppose we all must, how will I be remembered? - and will my existence even make a ripple in the world.

last scene of Six Feet Under


if you can't see the above video - here's the link

A Magic Moment

Soundtrack for this post: Start Today Tomorrow – Youth Group

This morning after a very brief cleaning rampage (very brief) I settled in my room and flipped on my brilliant cable. I landed on Before Sunrise, that movie from 1995 with Ethan Hawk. Those were the days when his greasy hair was cool and hot. Now I just want him to take a shower.

I stuck with the movie though; it reminded me of perfect moments. Of brief but perfect moments. If you haven’t seen the movie it’s a dialogue driven film about two people that meet on a train ride and end up spending the whole night walking and talking in Vienna. It’s like a relationship encapsulated in one night.

I had a moment like that once myself. I was spending the Fourth of July weekend in Washington D.C like a real red and white American. That night was one perfect, short moment.

It started at the base of the Lincoln Monument at the edge of the reflecting pool. Looking over the Washington Monument and watching the fireworks explode across the sky. It was perfect. The patriotic music in the background, and the insane crowds were a little much. Other than that, it was brilliant. After the excitement was over I walked with my old friend from Portland and my new friend from Germany (who I must say was a little shocked by our patriotic display) thru the emptying streets of D.C. We made our way to the train station and found ourselves at a row of bars in the Foggy Bottom district. I am a fan of any district called Foggy Bottom.

We floated from bar to bar. My friends ready to leave. We were flying out the next morning.

The last bar we went to I met someone. Inconspicuous, I don’t even remember his face. We talked immediately of his return to the states from Iraq. He said arriving in D.C during the forth of July was a shock to him, from Iraq. It went from “hi” to deep within minutes. I left my friends to their cab and my brand new military friend took a walk at 1am. (This didn’t go over so well, mind you)

We walked thru monuments and past historic buildings, past hotels and drunken people cheering at the night and talked about life and the past and the future. We spoke of our dreams and who we wanted to become. Of politics and religion. There was no small talk.

We sat on a park bench. I held my knees to my chest as he spoke of the children in Iraq that he befriended and I cried. It was like magic. Like meeting someone for the first time, but they instantly understood everything about you. Connection.

Eventually the sun rose over the capital and he put me in a cab. We were both flying out in just a few hours.

I rode in silence to my hostel. My friend was still sleeping. I lay in my bunk at the hostel putting off packing up and waking my friend. I knew that it would end the magic. When I finally decided to start the day, it did. My friend was upset at me; we ended up going to the wrong airport and missed our flight – stuck there for another 12 hours. The moment was lost to real life.

I never talked to that stranger again, we exchanged a few emails. A year later while in D.C, I thought of him again. I wrote him from my hotel and he told me about being engaged and how he finally felt like he found a home. It was just a perfect moment.





Today, I thought of that story – then hearing a couple friends talk about relationships coming to a end, and others talk about relationships going to “the next level” or starting, the story echoed in my mind.

A reminder that something’s are meant to be there for just a season, just a moment to remind us that there is magic still out there – it still exists. However, that there is a magic or a connection that isn’t for just a moment – that reverberates – and lasts. That lasting connection or magic is what starts families and friendships that live forever.

I finally accept the fact that even the short lived moment like a one first date that brings chills and causes unending smiles – but never produces a 2nd date is ok too. More than ok, it is moments like these that make up a life well lived. Sometimes it takes moment’s like these to lead to the one that lasts forever.

what i've been doing with my very busy life

just in case you weren't sure how interesting the life I lead is.

A new favorite...

This Band ROCKS!

John Vanderslice

This Artist is still my favorite.

October 2005, I had just stopped flying. I put down my wings and wasn't sure where to go from there. October 5th, 2005 was my offical last day.
That month, finally home on a weekend, and able to hang out with my roommates. They invited me to tag along with them to see a artist I was told was really good.

I had spent my life on the sidleines of good music. Knowing the names of bands that had proper "street cred" I could tell if a band was icky or good. I liked listening to bands. However, with no stero in my car and just a few tracks on my laptop I had less appreciation and more slight awareness of music. Except Elliott Smith, I always loved Elliott Smith.

That night however, I entered the Doug Fir Lounge, happy to be "looking good" wearing new brown boots and out on the town. I was content with that, sucking down a few malibu and cokes. Then, I was seperated from my friends. In the crowd.

I looked up to see a modest looking band come on stage, a orlando bloom look-a-like on bass and good looking curley haired guy on keyboards. John Vanderslice opened his mouth. I never don't remember the first song that was sung, but I do remember I was suddelnly hit, like chills, like magic.

I was transported with each song into amazing stories, of bunnies running away and Joan Crawford at 21. Melodies that made me want to fly. There are no words however to properly describe how his music impacted me.

Coming home that night, and thoroughout the next week - I aquired every song I could. Hours listening to his music evolved into inspiration that brought me to write agian. His song's inspired stories that made thier way into short screenplays. Then I started listening to more music, different music.

Weak, and trying to recover, I would spend hours in my room daydreaming to David Bowie then Calla, The National. (Thanks to musician roommates - I was given some great music)

Now it's Radiohead that I listen to on repeat for hours at a time. Mixing in Bryan Free, Boy Eats Drum Machine, Crosstide, Sicssors for Lefty, Stars of Track and Field, The Shins, Derby, Jonah, and so many, many more - I am now obsessed with music.

John Vanderslice opened a door for a new phase in my life that started when I hung up my wings in listening and now selling merch.

I had helped a few friends selling merch at a couple shows (cd's, shirts,etc)but what started out as selling merch for John on his next show in Portland as a fan turned into a week on the east coast finding out what stand up guys they all were. I spent a week driving my rental car and listening to music. It was heaven.

Since then i've had the pleasure of selling merch, and working with some other amazing musicians - This myspace site wouldn't exist without that week.

Also since October of 2005 I've also had the pleasure of seeing other shows that felt like magic. Take the Shins show a week ago yesterday. Miracle.

All this post is to let you know that John is going on tour agian this spring - check him out! I don't think you'll regret it!







Music has become my new escape, but what a fantastic escape it is.

His info:
Johnvanderslice.com
http://www.myspace.com/johnvanderslice

Meme Wierd!

I've been tagged!!

The Rules:
People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you have tagged them in their comments & tell them to read your blog.

1-I am addicted to downloading TV shows on Itunes. It's too the point where I download them even if I know I can watch it somewhere for free. I also download show's that I don't think I would ever watch on television - shows like The Agency. I've been spending quite a bit of money on Itunes. quite a bit

2-If I like a song, I tend to listen to it on repeat - sometimes for a month at a time.

3- I have a laughing problem. I laugh at inappropriate times. Such as funerals, weddings and Midnight masses - also when someone is telling a really horrible story. If there is a moment of silence, and I know I shouldn't laugh - I will laugh, and very loudly.

4- I have two gym memberships, but i don't use either one.

5- Each week I find a different wierd food combination, and eat it everyday for dinner - last week was chicken taquitos dipped in hummus with a side of cottage cheese - unless..

6- I eat out - for every meal. Every day. This causes a bit of a dent in the finances.

I'm gonna tag:
1- Emtotheizo
2- Bonika St James
3- Lavalier
4- Kazu googoo
5- Feaversh
6- Sloop

Beauty and the Geek

oh my.

My roommate and I sat down today and watched a Beauty and the Geek Marathon.

It was utterly brilliant.

Much to Much

Picture by Marisa Swenson


A beautiful almost spring day outside, a light wind. I'm sitting just insde a window trying to find a way to escape from my own skin.

This week I've had the following revelations:

1)A person's intergerity is not best seen by how they enter a situation - a new job, new roommates, a relationship, etc - but their integrity is shown by the manner in which they leave.

2)Good music has the ability to transport you anywhere you want to go and make you anyone you want to be - but only for that one song.

3)A film that is horrificly acted, directed and written - can still be a satisfying way to escape.

4)Forced love day (valentines) is a scary holiday. Much scarier than halloween.

5)Insecurity and loneliness is far more intoxicating than liquor and can make you just as drunk, and there's just as much regret in the morning.

6)Dancing is the best medicine.

8)To write is great.

9) Travel is as addictive as cocaine (well, I don't have first hand knowledge of cocaine - but I'm sure it's the same)

10)Myspace is my best and worst friend.

11)The Office is a great TV show, but almost too close to real life.

12)A shirt can sometimes be worn as a dress and visa versa.

13)If I could really live wherever I want, I might still choose where I am now.

14)Good friends are worth more than anything.

15)There are more than two sides to every story - I belive it's more like ten.

16)Wes Anderson is a genius (I already knew this, it's just more apparent this week after mulitple viewings of The Life Aquatic)

17)I really cannot connect with any guy if he likes The Grateful Dead or Any form of teeny kid pop.(not that there is anything wrong with either)

18)Dancing and Singing in your car is highly underrated.

19)The long version of Pride and Prejudice is better than the short, anorexiac version.

20)No matter how much I wish I lived in a different time, a different decade. I am stuck here.

21)Don't Always double down on eleven.

22)Meatloaf is good.

23)Taquitos are brillant recovery food.

24)'24' is great.

25)Someday I will just get on a plane, email my friends and family from a far off airport and travel for at least a year, all around the world. There's just too much to see.

26)If I ever get married, #25 would be the best honeymoon ever.

27)The chances of #26 seem slimmer and slimmer.

28)Boys will say or do whatever they have to.

29)I act the part of being a adult, but I'm still not there yet.

30)I'm going back to bed.

Sorry for my absence...

...I've been working on my goals.

Starry Night

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah...

Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya...

Portion of Hallelujah -by Jeff Buckley

I was driving home from a Christmas tea - and listened to this song on repeat - it was a version on a Starbuck's CD - Lifted (preformed by Rufus Wainwright). It is on repeat now.

This portion of the song is such a strong visual for me. I pictured the moment, like I was writing a film.

A scene in a movie - a lonely, emotional King David - pondering the stars. Glancing over to Bathsheba on the roof - perhaps she bathed there every night. On her roof. This time, the full moon shone - revealing her. A private moment - soaking in the stars - she worshipes the stars, the God, missing her husband - a husband she didn't even know. She stares up at the moon, the stars - floating in a tub - a pool, alone. Not knowing that cataclysmic love/lust was in a seed form, about to change her life and end a life.

Was she so enraptured with the moon and the stars that she was didn’t notice David looking on? What did was she thinking about as she stood revealed, under the moonlight?

The stars have been such a powerful force for me.

A picture of God. A photo of wonder: The stars from Mt. Hood as I stood on my ski’s, the moon reflecting off the snow; The stars from the beach – standing on the edge of the pacific – in Oregon, in Costa Rica – different stars – different skies – but the same feeling – of peace and of longing for more as the stars reflected of the ocean; The stars as I climbed Mt. Sinai on a camel- like a Christmas postcard with silhouette’s of the camels against the sky in front of me.

On my last trip I was at a Bedouin dinner in the desert of the Sinai Peninsula. I wandered away from the fire, the candles and the group. I walked away - and stood staring at the stars. Alone.

I wish I could have taken a picture that would have captured the way the sky looked that night. The stars covered the sky. The desert hills in the foreground, silhouette against the still night. I felt so small and was captivated. Time froze, my mind wandered. God, love and hope felt real and tangible. For a moment, I felt peace.

Is that how she felt?

Under a sky like that, it seems as if anything could happen. It seems ok to be alone, it seems fitting to stand still with no one else around.

This is why I travel. I travel to leave the land which is so bright with its own light; you can never see the stars. I travel to visit lands where you can look up and see shooting stars. Where I can be anyone I want – and where life seems a little more profound.

I wonder if she stood on her roof, bathing in the moonlight – in one perfect moment, one moment of peace before her world was turned upside down and inside out – and prayed? Were her prayers answered?

Did she know that everything was about to change?

It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelu...
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelu...
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

Portion of Hallelujah -by Jeff Buckley

Red Sea

Poster Girl for Team Zizzou

Click on the above picture to go to a slide show of my Red Sea Snorkeling experiance. Taken by Big Blue Diving. I almost died.

Egypt

Click on the picture above for a slide show of my trip to Egypt. Because I lost most of my pictures, (see post below for details) most of these are from my friend Sarah Nashif. To find out who took the picture,during the Slide show you can click on a picture that will take you to a page that shows you the details of the picture - if on the left hand side the tag says Sarah - then she took it. If nothing, then I did.

I will seriously post more about my trip, but in the meantime, I'll let the pictures do the talking.

Ciao!

I'm Home!!

I'm home and working on recovering the rest of my pictures.

I will post more about my trip in the coming days. But the dark day of the trip is what I call the great erasement of 2006, when I accidentally re-formatted my memory card and erased 423 pictures from the first 2/3'rds of my trip. This was a dark day.

The darkest day was the day I returned and found out that if I would have used my other memory card I could have recovered all the pictures. My friend is still trying for me to see if he can get any of them.

Until then you can find some of my pictures on my flickr site from the last 1/3 'rd of the trip.

I'm still praying for the rest.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/flyingwaitress/

Egypt Part 1

So I'm here in Egypt, It's so surreal!!!

I would love to post some pictures up here - but I had the grand idea NOT to bring my USB cable for my camera - so unless I find one out here (not likely) I'll post pictures when I get back.

This is an amazing place - contray to what I thought when I left - it is much safer than any other place I've visited in the past - it should be with all the police around carrying semi-automatic wepons.

It really is a different world than the states in so many ways - but yet they do have McDonalds and Pizza Hut.

When we first landed, after bargining for a taxi, we drove into Cairo - the sun was setting over the city - it was a color I've never seen before in the sun - like a burnt reddish orange - the sun was also bigger than I've ever seen it - well we think it was the sun - we also thought it might be the moon.

The city was seeped in sepia colors while people rushed by in birkas and head coverings - and men wore long dresses (I don't think they call them dresses though). It was crazy rush hour traffic - with 4 cars across 2 lanes. It was a circus.

We crossed the Nile and came to our hotel - very nice - and met our tour group. It's a great group of Aussie's, English, South Africans and we're the only americans - it's a accent wonder land. I love hearing them all speak. Everyone is in their late 20's, except one young one. And I'm the oldest at thirty, which is grand. I love being the oldest. We all had dinner and got to know each other. We also got to know the cats - there are cat's everywhere, kittens too. The walk between your legs at the table and it is a bit disconcerning when they start fighting next to you, it does keep the mice and rats down.

The first full day we rode camels to the see the pyramids and the sphinx. Camels are very high, and pretty daunting - but it was amazing. It was all so amazing. To walk in the small passage way's in the pyramid while the guide points out where booby traps are is like being in a movie. Indiana Jones to be exact.

After touring that area, we parked our camels and went to the Egyptian Musem - it was educational - I learned that pretty much all they really great stuff - except for King Tut's treasure - is in England, Germany and the Vatican. But they still have the largest collection. The mummies were creepy and I didn't like looking at them. Like little monsters.

We took the night train down south to Aswan that night (a town on the nile north of Sudan) This was the worst night train I've ever been on. First of all the train went slower than the horses that passed us, secoundly the bathroom was HORRID, a nightmare, thirdly - none of us could sleep a wink. We just groaned as we waited for the night to end. forthly,the train would just randomly stop. My cabin was the americans and the English in my cabin - we ended up playing cards until we got to our destination - but before everyone else got up, I walked to one of the big windows and watched the egyptian world go by, it's like living in bible times agian. With women carrying baskets on their heads, men riding by on Donkey's, stone houses with grass roofs, it was like a bygone era. The only sign that it was today, was the random truck and the satalite dishes at every home.

When we arrived at our hotel - we all went straight to the pool - as the call to prayer sounded through the city. I leaned over the 5th floor railing of the hotel, where the pool was and watched the people walk to the local Mosque. Then I realized that I was wearing a bikini - and that might not be the best thing...So back in the pool I went. As the call to prayer echoed in the backround, I floated in the pool staring at the sky.

Later we took a boat to see the Temple of Isis in a light show. It was boring, but beautiful.

Today, we woke up at the crack of dawn, 3am, to take the military convoy to the dessert to see the temple Abu Simbel - it is formidable.

We're just relaxing now, preparing to go to the Nubian village, to see the school, and meet the locals. Then we're going to eat dinner, dance and party with the Nubians and they will give us henna tattoo's.

Coming up in the next few days we are going to go on a sailboat down the nile for a few days, then I hope to take a hot air ballon over the Valley of the Kings. After that - we have no idea.

Announcements!

First of all - All my links vanished. I look like a rookie with my edit-me's.

Oh well.

Also, I leave at the crack of dawn, to the land of the sphinx. I will be gone from the 17th to the 2nd of December.

If you know my cell phone - don't call me while I'm away; but feel free to text message me - as texts are free to receive and don't cost very much to send back from Egypt.

I hope I don't die.

20 Things that can kill me while I'm away:

1. Small brown Scorpions
2. Viper snakes
3. Cobra Snakes
4. Poisonous Spiders
5. Crocodiles
6. Suicide bomber
7. Other forms of terrorist attacks
8. Crazy – murderous cab drivers
9. Plane Crash
10. Yellow Fever (I didn’t have time to get the shot)
11. Malaria (ditto)
12. Bird Flu (ditto again)
13. Boat crash
14. Train Crash
15. Car Crash
16. Stuck in Pyramid
17. Crazy climbing Pyramid falling accident
18. Red Sea Drowning
19. Collapsed tunnel in underground temples
20. Police Chase – because that’s how I roll.

Blogging agian

It's been a while, but starting today. I'm blogging agian.

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate." Oprah Winfrey

__________________________________________________________________________
I'm listening to Ms.Hill by Talib Kweli on repeat. Bouncing to the beat. fantastic. The hook is beautiful.

I agree.

I'm trying not to procrastinate - working on a exciting project. I'll write about it later I suppose, but I don't want to jinx it. For this project I am rehashing stories of travel and working in the airline industry. But I need a break, diversion - so here it is:

I had a memorable weekend. I turned 30 - the best birthday of my memory. A crazy party friday night - a wild mix of people, pinata's, food & Drink. I stood back a few times and watched friends I haven't seen for years, and friends that are a part of my daily life - and I was so grateful. No one from my family called or wrote- but with friends like I have...To those that threw the party for me - I don't think I can even communicate how greatful I am. I will carry that night with me.

I got some great loot :) I love that moment when you open a present - and you know the person that gave it to you knows you. I didn't have any of those "DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME?!?!" moments. You know, when you've hated coffee your whole life and a lifelong friend buys you a years worth of ground coffee beans.

Saturday was - ahhh...nice and sweet. Late breakfast with a good friend, lazy day reading...perfect. At midnight, I sat upstairs and accepted my fate as I moved into my 30's. Someone else's birthday raged below me. Someone much younger.
I love it. I wouldn't be 20 or 24 agian. I am ready to let go of my 20's. But I still want people to think I look 25. I still like that. I am a girl after all.

This decade is shaping up quite nicely so far.

Sunday night one of my roommates, Jamin - friends Laura, and Rosilyn thru me a intimate, fancy desert sit down. I blew my candles out and ate homemade cake. They gave me 30 individually wrapped presents. I felt so loved.

So that's it. I'm 30.

I'm off to NYC next week. I can't wait. It will be my first time in the city while I'm in my thirties.

"I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level." - Dana Carvey

Curiosity

I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

I've been sick :(

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.
Buddha

The Cable Guy

About a year ago I was helping a friend move into their house. He was having some problems with his new cable box so the cable company gave him the cable guys cell phone number to come back and fix it.

Because I had my cell phone handy we programed the number into my cell. We ended up calling him and he was annoyed and a little frustrated with us. Our interaction was short and packed with negative emotion, yet our connection will last a lifetime.

I never erased the number - It's in my phone now - no name, just Cable Guy.

As a the kind and generous soul that I am, I've tried to include the cable guy in all my adventures.

I text him on all major holidays. I text him pictures of my travels(empire state building, Niagra Falls, band pictures, etc) and stories of embarassing moments. At first he would text back "who are you?" but now it's just an occasional "what the hell is going on"

When I'm feeling blue, I text him and let him know I miss him. When I have exciting news I'll text him the info. I've really endevored to make the cable guy part of the ride I call life.

In a moment I'll text him and let him know that I'm thinking of him this memorial day, perhaps I'll include a picture of bbq chicken.

Let this story inspire you as well to adopt a cable guy into your texting life.

My 26th Birthday!!

I turn 30 in 2 weeks.

I'm already starting my panic attack.

I may start lying about my age now.

Just between you and me, if anyone asks I'm 25.

On friday a 21 year old thought I was younger than him. So I think I'll get away with it.

25 remember!

I turn 26 in 2 weeks!

Stream of Consciousness

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..." -Jack Kerouac

(listening to White Plains by JVslice - live)

The above quote is on a magnet on the fridge downstairs. Last night, I went downstairs at 4am to get a drink of water and I stood reading it over and over...So there I stood at 4am in my pink fuzzy robe and my glass of water - for some reason the quote made me want to dance, always makes me want to dance. So dance I did - I set down my glass of water - neglected my much needed (pre monday morning) sleep. I arabesqued, dancing Demi-Pointe, I Pirouetted across my kitchen and felt free. I can only imagine any of my four other roommates coming downstairs at this point to use the restroom. That would have been a better story.




I miss dancing, the only moment I ever feel totally free is spinning and jumping on a wood floor with music blaring. And that's been years past by me....I'm so out of shape and ill balanced.



If I could be anywhere at this moment I would be on empty wooden stage with a single spotlight blinding me from seeing past the stage. Music would be loud and overwhelming. I would be barefoot in a simple cotten dress and I would begin to dance - improve and free. Maybe that's what I'll do for my 30th B-day instead of a party.




Right now I write in my room. I never turned my light on so as the sun has come down there is just the glow of my laptop. It hits a section of my dark pink wall and glows. Minutes ago I was listening to David Bowie and making shadow puppets of devil horns and rabbits agianst my wall. Try it next time you listen to David B. The pink walls had a erie look to it when attacked by shadow bunnies while Moonidge Daydream played on.

Last night I saw live soccor for the first time. Portland won agianst Toronto. Go Portland! It was fun watching the Timbors Army chant songs and go crazy when we scored a point and Timbor Jim sawed off a piece of wood.

It rained so hard on the way home.I don't know if I've ever seen anything like it here - and in Portland that's saying a lot. It was like the rain was making up for the last few weeks of crazy hot temps - wow. It rained so hard you couldn't see in front of you with the wipers on high. There was lightning and thunder. It was glorious - well for those of us in a car.

Since I last updated my blog I've sold merch for Bryan Free at one of the best show's I'VE EVER SEEN!! He totally upstaged the headlining band at the Crystal Ballroom. Screaming fans. Crazy beautiful rock and melodies. I watched the show in awe and speechless (which says a lot when coming from me). It was a mad rush at the merch table - I adored every second of the mayhem. The girls standing in line for him to sign cd's. Perfect.





I went to my one of my best friends, Jake's, wedding.



I am so happy for him - I think he got more than he deserves from Lisa and he is pretty lucky.



It was a sweet, simple and beautiful wedding. There was the near miss when he almost choked on communion.

My responsiblites were picking up the crazy amount of cases of beer and wine and setting it up, and buying ice. Easy right? well not when my car broke down and I tried to fix it. I changed the Fuel Filter. An hour before the I was supposed to be at the wedding with the alcohol, I stood at my care with oil and fuel covering my arms and face. The car still wasn't really fixed = because it turns out I still need a new fuel pump - but I cleaned my self up and managed to clunk over to the wedding just in time. The key word is clunk.

I saw the Derby show at Dante's. It was a great show, I had a creepy 4ft tall - bald - forty year old - bug eyed - stalker, but it was a good show so that made up for it.




I went with one of my friends, Noemi.



It was a blast.

Looking ahead: Hanging out with some flight attendant and pilot friends on Tuesday, Fixing my car on Wednesday, Bryan Free @ Holocene on Thursday, Crosstide @ Doug Fir on Friday (post manicures and pedicures!!), Friends Greek Wedding on Saturday, Sunday - Monday (?) Maybe a little music festival with Beck????? A busy week - I CAN'T WAIT!!

I lied

new entry

I will be posting another entry tonight. This will include pictures from Bassbousa and Bryan Free's show last night at the Crystal Ballroom - All I have to say on that now -BRYAN ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

Enchanted Forest

Creepy...
Originally uploaded by FlyingWaitress.

Today is Laura Bisbee day, and to celebrate we went to the Enchanted Forest!

I'm not bragging - but I am thankful! - oh it's a long one. Vunerabilty personified.

Jessica from Wooden Wand - Taking Pictures of John Vanderslice and I

DISCLAIMER:
THIS IS THE LONGEST POST I'VE EVER WRITTEN - IF YOU MAKE IT TO THE END YOU DESERVE A PRIZE OF SOME KIND!!

So for the record - I may have my own life issues, and icky times - but I am a really lucky person. This is a long post - so you can break it up over a few days if you want - here it goes (Marisa - I'll understand if this is too much!)

There have been many things in my life I've wanted to do or people I've wanted to meet and I have been blessed to not only have that opportunity but to have really great experiences. (well aside from Vince Vaughn - but honestly - to be mocked by him is almost better than being chummy)

I remember being in high school and sitting in my living room at my parents. I was watching Bill Clinton inauguration and inaugural ball. I quietly told myself, or prayed that someday I could go to a ball like that. Here I was a young teenager, on welfare, flunking out of school- I had few friends (thanks for being one of the few, Bonnie)but someday I knew I would be able to attend that event.

Fast forward to 2000. I was laid off from work for the summer, barely any money - living off unemployment, and volunteering at church - I offered to fly with my friend Sarah to help her move to D.C for school - some how raised the money for the trip and knew that since it was the same time as the inauguration that somehow I would go to the ball. I brought a ball gown, shoes, jewelry - the whole bit. My friend made fun of me a little I think. But while at lunch in Alexandria, VA sitting in the same restaurant where George Washington ate, (well, according to the tourist board) my friend Sarah got the call that we were not only going to the inauguration - but all the events surrounding it - ball included. Regardless of politics - or future problems with that president - it was a honor to be there for such a historical moment - and I was tearful as I walked the red carpet wearing a sparkling gown.

I stood at the doorway to the magnificently decorated ballroom - and soaked in the moment - so that I would never forget that no matter where I came from anything was possible.

There have been many moments since - moments in Europe and in Costa Rica with monkeys, Party's in NYC and LA, When I met my favorite Screenwriter/Director in NY at the New Yorker festival - Wes Anderson - It was only a 5-10 minute conversation - but it impacted me - not because he was a idol or something - but because he was real and although super cool(with amazing blue eyes) it hit me that he was just a person that pursued his dream - and so could I.

I am thankful - Maybe it's just the writer blood in me - I want to experience everything and every place - so I search it out - perhaps it's not luck or being blessed but just throwing myself out there with no regard to money so I can experience as much of life as possible. Perhaps I could lead a little more boring life but have a nicer car, and own a home. Perhaps I'm selling myself short in valuing experiences more than stability. Perhaps the reason I'm compelled to do these things is misguided...

All that to say - I'm thankful have had these experiences as well as the experience of traveling with MY FAVORITE MUSICIAN right now.

I mentioned a few posts ago how I went to a show in September where John Vanderslice played. You can read about it below. Summary: great show, listened to the music a lot since, etc.

I had the great pleasure of selling merchandise for him in Portland at the Doug Fir. He gives his fans the opportunity to sell for him - which is great. I had a great time and it reminded me of being a flight attendant a little - just meeting new people, answering questions but without the turbulence and listening to great music instead.

Great music:)


I love how pissed they all look in this picture! :)

I was impressed with how unpretentious and fun all the guys in his band and crew are. Wow. What a great night - Dave Douglas on the drums made up a super fly dance - It exceeded my expectations of fun.

John V-slice has a reputation of being the "nicest guy in Indie rock" and he really is. I can say with all sincerity that not only is he kind, generous, professional and a great musician but the people that he surrounds himself with in his band, his Tour Mananger/Audio Tech (is that what their called?!?) - they are all super guys along the same vein.

I was given the opportunity to do more merch dates for him and the next week traveled to Columbus, OH via Buffalo, NY (thank you Jet Blue for a great flight - and special thanks to Michelle for making it possible)

At this point I don't know what to say, or what to share. I didn't have the wild crazy - rock - star - drunken - after - party's but I did have a fantastic time. I racked up 1650 miles on my rental car. I met some fantastic people, saw Niagara falls, got lost a few times :)


I don't think I've told anyone about the 2 hours it took me to find Niagara falls - when I was IN Niagara Falls, NY...oops - story of my life.

I had a great time hanging out with Jessica, James and Keith of Wooden Wand.



They shared a suite with me a few nights - What a wonderful talk I had with Jessica while eating the worst breakfast of my life in Toronto.

I found the perfect red dress at H&M - the store of the gods.



You see, even though I don't have anything published I do consider myself a writer and someday I hope to have a screenplay produced and a book written - minimum. As a writer these are the moments I dream about - because while being lost for 2 hours looking for Niagara falls - those are the times I write in my head, while listening to music. Stories come alive.

A small part of the reason I was so keen to go on this trip for my vacation is I needed out - I need to get out of my stuff for a little - I figured that if I could just have a moment to breathe - to leave behind family "issues", My mom's sickness, my own sickness, the stresses life, etc - to take a week off. Then I could breathe deeply for once, ETC.

But the most important moment of the trip was when things all clicked for me. Sitting in a Cracker Barrel, eating potato casserole - I read a book that I threw in my shopping basket the day before I left. It was a memoir that seemed to tell my story. At first I was pissed - because she wrote it before me (Please Stop Laughing At Me By Jodee Blanco) but then I knew I was meant to read it. And I was meant to read it then.

After lunch, in my car, it hit me. The reason why I was obsessed with the things I mention at the beginning of this post, travel, new experiences, meeting cool people and why I was there in my car traveling from Columbus to Cleveland - There was one explanation. I went across the county to sell merch for my favorite musician - now don't get me wrong, I did it because I love it, and I love the music but I admit I am still trying to prove something. If I am accepted as an o.k. person by these people. I'm ok, right? I'm trying to prove something still.

To myself.

To the kids in 5th grade that threw my stuff on the floor, that teased me mercilessly thru all my years in grade school. I was trying to prove something to my friends in the 7th grade that told me they couldn't be friends anymore because I was keeping them from being popular, to the boys that never spoke to me - to my friends that would only be friends as long as no one else knew.

I thought I was over this. I mean, I did have some friends - I'm 29 I could care less what these people ever thought about me, right? Haven't I gotten over this yet?

But why did I cry when I couldn't make it to my reunion - when I couldn't prove to them that hey, I'm a cool flight attendant now, I've traveled the world - accept me now? I think it's interesting that I had to stop flying after that weekend stuck in Chicago while I wanted to be in Portland at my reunion in my cool expensive jeans. Instead I ended up sitting in a hospital alone while my friend forgot about me - mourning the loss of health that i'd taken for granted.

I listened to Life on Mars over and over in my car in that Cracker Barrel parking lot while I cried and I realized I hadn't gotten away from myself here. But I'd run right into the person I'd been trying to run from all these years.

I spent that week coming to terms with the fact I've lived my life the last 10 years for other people - to prove myself to people which probably don't remember me at all. I wrote a lot. I don't know what the next step in my life is - I'm turning 30 in a month, but I don't want it to be a part of a resume of "look at me now".

John Vanderslice, amongst a few other musicians, has been the music - since September- that I've used as the soundtrack to the screenplay I am trying to write. I've been listening to Pixel Revolt - his newest CD - everytime I write. Listening to him live every night - it was a muse to a new type of writing I started on this trip - writing for me not to come up with something perfect to show others - but for me.

I know this is a insane post - crazy long rollercoaster.

There is one thing that must be said - Thank you - Without sounding too cheesy...This is going to sound like a oscar speech - but I do think everyonce in a while you should thank those that matter...because you never know when that opportunity might pass.

Thank you to John V, David B, Dave D, Ian B and Dan B and Grant - for giving me the opporunity to get away from myself for a little bit - travel again and stay in hotels - I've missed that a lot. To get away from myself - but also to run into myself - thank you for letting me drive alone - to listen to music and to re-focus. This trip may have just been a blurp in the tour for you - but it meant the world to me - and it opened a whole new world for me, I want to do this again - sell merch for a band on tour.

Thank you to my friends - to Marisa, Peter, Bonnie, Beth, Michelle, Laura, Jamin, Jake, Marcia - all of you and others that have been around me on this journey over the last 1/2 a year since I stopped flying - and as I've been trying to find myself without the identity of "Flight Attendant". I know it has been a rough time for me, and around me and I appreciate your patience and your insight. (and putting up with me!!)

I have the best roommates ever - I don't think I could have made it thru the last year - or my time as a flight attendant without all of you - you have been my family, my support - you've teased me and made me laugh really hard - you've put up with the negative sides of my life with kindness and grace and patience - Jamin if you ever read this I mean you too. When I was spinning around the world - only landing for a moment - it was the three of you that encouraged me to stand still - if for a moment.


John Vanderslice & I - Picture by Jessica - Montreal
A great trip.

update

Crash
Originally uploaded by FlyingWaitress.

I promise to update later this evening.

I promise.

On the road with John Vanderslice and Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Ok, next time I'll charge real money, not canadian
Originally uploaded by FlyingWaitress.

Stories to follow shortly...

John Vanderslice, Columbus - Montreal

John Vanderslice, Columbus OH
Originally uploaded by FlyingWaitress.

First of all - Pardon my pictures. I just got a new camera and I have NO IDEA what I'm doing!!

Just in case your wondering, I have a charmed life. This week I get to travel around and sell merch for John Vanderslice. I have had so much fun so far.

I'll try to keep everyone updated!!

I'm off to go swimming - indoor pool of course!!

Landon and Laura - Yummy Cookies!!

Landon and Laura - Columbus OH
Originally uploaded by FlyingWaitress.

I had the pleasure of meeting Landon and Laura in Columbus, OH at the John Vanderslice show - they brought the most AMAZING COOKIES!!

End of vaction...John Vanderslice...Pink doors.

Well, it was beautiful in Florida, warm and relaxing.

NYC was, well, NYC. Crazy, brilliant, fast, sleep deprived. I loved it. Not every second. I definitely had a couple moments, where I acted the part of the wide eyed naive girl in the big city. I believe the drink may have affected this. But anything can happen there, and there is always a new experience right around the corner.

My favorite thing to do in NYC is walk, listening to music and take in the city. I got back to the hotel one morning after going out all night, and threw on my running shoes, my mp3 player and walked. It was my last day there and I had enough cash for the subway ride to the airport and $.66 in my checking account. I grabbed a Raw Bar (lara bar - thank god I brought some along) and spent a few hours walking as the day came alive. That day literally cost nothing and was the most fufilling. My baby mp3 was filled with Calla, STARS and John Vanderslice. It was the perfect soundtrack for the city. NYC inspires me, drives me, dares me to try to make it.

I still hope that someday I can live there. In the far future maybe. I think I may be too laid back and content to make it in there. Maybe someday though...

I was happy to come home and sleep in my own bed.

Speaking of John Vanderslice (My favorite musician since I saw his show last September or was it Augest?), he is playing at the Doug Fir on April the 8th.It's going to be rad. Before I saw him play the first time, I hadn't even heard one song . I like music, but unless I am really familiar with someone's music, It's hard for me to really focus on it at a club. When he started playing I was in the back talking with friends. I was caught off guard and started to listen. The next thing I knew I was standing at the front transfixed. yep. He's that good.

I have to go now. It's time to paint my door pink.

yikes...Spring Break?!?!

Highlights so far --

1) French Flight Attendant, " Why you do not check your bag, we are not weight lifters"

2) Hot Developer I got to talk with the flight to NYC

3) Hot buisness guy from NY that was waiting in JFK for his flight to San Fransico. All I remember (I was really, REALLY tired) was telling him to follow his dreams.

"If you could do anything what would it be?" I said to the rich, young finance guy.

"A writer"

"Do it. Follow your dream. you only live once"

"That means I'll be poor"

"oh, Well have a good life!" (i was kidding!!)

4) the 7 yr old twins from Vancouver BC I hung out with while waiting for our delayed flight. I was the same age as their mom, but who did I identify with?? They gave me a penny.

5) The grandma that sat next to me on my flight to Ft. Lauderdale. She spoke mainly in Yiddish but the english I could understand was very wise. "Honey, you need to marry a lawyer or a Doctor - that's what I told my girls - you have to be practical - you don't want to starve."

6) She asked if I was a red or blue state - I said purple - she and the surrounding rows of New Yorkers preceeded to lecture me on the fact that i'm the reason the country is in such disrepair.

7) Lunch in Ft.Lauderdale - 85 degrees and I'm eating Matza ball soup and meatloaf

8) sleeping off the meatloaf

9) Drinking with the hundreds of 21 year old spring breakers on the beach in FL.

10) Driving in the middle of the night with the windows down listening to Postal Service while watching the stars speed past.

11) Huge slices of NYC pizza on the beach for breakfast

12) getting excited because we think we saw a boy older than 22 on the beach. Leaving when we realized we were wrong and just don't want to hang out with the college kids and their wet tshirt contests

13) seeing the Girls Gone Wild tour bus pull up as we pulled out.

14) the warm wind blowing thru my fingers as we drive down the beach.

15) THE SUN.

16) LAUGHING.


Tonight - Miami South Beach - Tommorow - South beach.

vacation!

Flying out tommorow night! sweet!

FINALLY! a new post

it's been awhile.

I suppose i've been waiting for something to say.

listening to music right now, postal service, it makes me feel like writing.

It reminds me of a day....

I had just gambled away a large portion of my spending money at Casino Montecarlo. That however, didn't stop me from relaxing over a amazing (and amazingly inexpensive!) 3 course dinner at a nearby cafe. My travelling friend and I decided to take a walk to keep the drowsies from stealing away our time...the sun was about to set over the french riveira. My friend walked ahead, as she was more driven and purposeful. I wandered to the side of the cliff and looked over the lower part of the town, beyond the yachts and the cruise ships and waited for the sun to reach the water.

Out of the blue I heard windpipes playing amazing grace. I looked below to see, standing alone on the deck of a yacht, was a solitary bagpipper playing to the sun. As I looked over the water and let the sounds of the windpipe wash over me I thanked God.

For this was my dream, to see this place - amongst others- and here I stood. Amazing grace is right. For I did not deserve it but yet I was here standing in one of the most beautiful places in the world.

And the bagpipper played on. I soaked up that moment, for I knew I may never be here agian. I needed to take a inner photograph so at moments when I felt mundane and overwhelmed with the business of everday life, I could come back to this moment and re-live it over and over.

So now, as I sit in my room listening to music, I am back at the cliffs of Monte Carlo, Monaco; walking out of the dark train station into the sepia light of Venice with water surrounding me, standing at the banks of the north sea in St.Andrews, Scotland as waves crash agianst the stone ruins of what looks like castles and cathedrals, I am swing dancing in Paris in barefeet and later backpacking in pain for I skined the bottoms of my feet, laying on the hot beach in January while monkey's steal our cookies.

I have heard it said that travel is something you never regret. It is so true. For the times I regret is missed opportunites

Now, I need to buy a plane ticket and go see something I've never seen before.

the hospital

Her room is a stark white with glossy linoleum floors and harsh florescent lighting. It’s surprisingly a private room; the only sound is the luxurious Rufus Wainright from my laptop and intermittent cries for help from my mother.

“GOD HELP ME!” She yells every few seconds

They had to take her off medicine to prepare for surgery and she is now delirious with pain.

She tries to get move, scared and without any idea of what is happening to her. I run over and calm her down. She stops moving finds a place of peace. But then she repeats the painful action a few minutes later, forgetting what happened. That’s the problem with short term memory; you forget even horrendous pain from a broken hip. Why does this happen to her? Does she deserve to lose her mind and now her body that’s breaking down before me?

So that is my day, I try to process what happened to her. It sounds as if a new nurse got flustered and made a mistake. Unfortunately this mistake could cost my mother what limited mobility she already has and possibly her life, as this injury normally does to people in her condition. So should I cause the nurse to suffer from this mistake or do I let it go. I understand flustered, I’ve been there. But every time I hear my mom cry out my heart is broken. Correct or not, I want someone to pay for this pain.

Her breathing is labored. Now I know what labored breathing sounds like, She sucks in air sharply, taking all air that she can fit, aggressively in her lungs. She breaths out the hail of rocks and nails, coughing like the far off thunder echoing of a thousand hills. Each breath sounds like her last. And then is silent, breathless for what seems like minutes, hours even. This has caused me to stand next to her, placing my hand above her mouth checking for breath, while holding my own.

Asleep, her skin is perfect like alabaster without any wrinkles. Her hair is still a lush dark brown without any grey, even though she’s entering her mid sixties. If you saw her asleep you would have no idea the pain and psychosis trapped within her.

She was so full of fire, my mother when she was more stable. She was stubborn and angry at times, but loving at others. I remember waking up many a night, scared. No matter how late, or early in the morning she would sit with me and make me cheese and crackers or some other yummy snack and we would eat it together. Then she would hold me in her lap, stroking my hair and sing to me as I drifted back to sleep. Safe.

All alone, I sit here with her. Unsafe.

Listening now to John Vanderslice’s Trance Manuel soothing melody, I dream of better days. Of peanut butter sandwiches and chocolate milk, Christmas with the fire going and telling jokes, of dancing like a ballerina on the kitchen floor while my mom claps. I went from being a innocent kid to a angry teenage girl rebelling against a mother that came from a different generation, not just different from mine but so very different from even my friends parent’s generation. Graduating from high school in 58’ was different from 95’, she didn’t understand me either. I went from that to my early twenties with a mom that could barely even remember who I was. I wish I would have had a few years as a adult with my mom. Where we could have looked face to face as adults and I could have told her I understood. I could have said sorry. Our fights were so bitter.

I still think of myself to young to have to deal with a mom with Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s and now a broken hip. But now at almost 30 I would hope somewhere inside I would be stronger, used to it. Able to cope easier, I don’t know. There’s been too many times sitting in hospital rooms alone with my mom where I’ve been screaming inside.

I am screaming inside right now.

Screaming, alone and waiting.

I never feel lonelier, as a single girl than in the hospital. I can travel the globe alone and feel at peace, I can watch movies by myself and read contently in coffee shops. But hospitals I can’t do. When I think of myself as independent; times like these I wonder how much I’m fooling myself.

I broke down this morning. When I got the call, I broke in my cubical at work. I broke down again when telling the other manager, again when I went to tell Mo at her desk. Thank God she drove me for I would have wrecked for sure. I was broken so quickly. I went from talking to a customer with a smile on my face to cracking and breaking for all my co-workers to see.

My dad came thru for a few minutes to sign papers. Then alone again

I’m here for the long run. If you hear screaming, coming from room 425, it’s just me.

My supplies:

• 1 laptop
• 3 books
• A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
• Sister of My Heart
• Ten Little Indians
• Chili cheese Fritos
• 1 odwalla juice
• 3 movies
• Garden State
• Door In the Floor
• Arsenic and old lace
• Portable speakers and headphones.

the sea

Sometimes when I am all alone I can see clearly.

From where I sit today I look from a cliff high above the ocean. The beach stretches before me like a blank canvas. Like specks on the beach I see little people grouped together in pairs. They walk sometimes side by side, sometimes apart but always coming back together again. Farther down the beach I see the only speck that is alone. He (or short haired she) is literally walking between a rock and a hard place. On one side of him stands a giant rock, or boulder that sits halfway above the surface of the beach like a whale with his head crashing above the water. On the other side of him the ocean was crashing closer and closer following in the moon at tide. As the waves pound, trying to reach his feet he just stays. Just stands staring out past the sea like waiting for a reply. Before he is taken by the waves he looks up as though given the answer he was waiting for and sprints off. I watch him (and now I can see it really is a HIM) as he runs to his car, jumping in impatiently as if he needs to share to the world what the sea had said.

I know how he feels, for I have waited for the ocean to speak, and it has. Sometimes it says “I dare you to jump in and try to ride my waves!” but I know it’s just trying to drown me so I ignore it till it gets pissed off and starts talking to someone else.

Sometimes, however, I come and sit on driftwood by the sea pondering life, hard questions and the ocean speaks to me. The waves crashing calm my mind till I can hear freely. The answer becomes clearer with every breaker that reaches earth

Far away I see the rocks jut into the sea where a lighthouse rests at the far end. The sky is that color of muted grey today, the same color as the lighthouse so the only reason I know it is there is the faint outline and the light flashing at me. I count how long before the light comes back around. One-one thousand, Two- one thousand, Three-one thousand, and four, the light flashes back.

The thing about this lighthouse is that there’s at LEAST a couple thousand feet of rock beyond it and a space of water and another island of rock. I wonder if, hundreds of years ago, on a dark night. A ship was sailing northbound hugging the shore trying to stay away from a storm that was hovering just beyond the horizon. The captain was trying to navigate away from the rocks when he saw the lighthouse flashing lights every four seconds, to guide him,. He yelled back to his crew “We just made it mates, were clearing the lighthouse now!” As he turned back to his ship steering wheel thingy he saw in horror his ship crumble as it smashed upon the rocks. His last words as he sank below the freezing-cold-dark-northwest water was probably “Why didn’t they build that damn lighthouse closer to the tip?!?” as he reached for a plank of wood that was just out of his reach.

The sun is now coming down at a rapid rate and the sky is now the color of the ocean so it’s almost impossible to tell where one ends and the other starts. It looks like a bad fake background in a movie set. I wouldn’t believe it was real if I hadn’t walked the shore earlier.

Sometimes when I sit in hotels such as this, my mind wanders. I stay in hotels at least four nights a week, that’s a lot of wandering.

My rooms are always the same, no matter which hotel. But my wanderings are always different. Sometimes after watching too much cable TV I’ll just sit staring out the window and let my mind dance in daydreams and get lost for a while.

Good daydreams are hard to come by although a bad daydream is usually better than real life in some ways. I believe that sometimes, this is the door way of insanity. For when we would rather daydream than experience real life, we can come to a crossroads of sorts. To embrace the daydream life and reject reality. I wouldn’t be surprised if most would rather daydream. That is another subject for another day.

For tonight all there is the invisible sea. The darkness now is impervious and it overtakes my view. For now all I see is black, except the light that will pass by in four seconds. The sound though, never disappears. It is rhythmic and soothing, angry and sullen over and over again.

It is a constant. No matter what shore I stand on, no matter what country or state. The Ocean may be Pacific or Atlantic, Mediterranean or Nordic. I’ve found the one constant, although varying in intensity, is the crashing and lapping of the waves as it finds land. For there is always an ending to the sea. There is always land that it finds. And there is always some one standing on land looking over the sea’s vast expanse and wondering as it crashes to their feet, if it has answers for them. And it always does. It always does.

writing in my blog

This is my update for my blog.

It has been updated.

This is a new post.

New.

No one can say I haven't written in a month, because now I have written.

Perhaps it is not good, nor important, nor with substance of any kind. But it is here.

On my page.

That is indisputable.

No one can dispute that.

No one.

Dispute proof.

thank you.

Where's the Tin Man when you need him? Part 3

So where did we leave off?

Ok. I admit it’s been a little while…but here it goes part 3: (it’s a long one!)



After lunch I drove back to the little house I was staying in, I imagined Tornado's dropping out of the sky. Yelling "We've got cows!" as they fly by the windshield.

I parked on the dusty main street lined with brick buildings and Victorian homes. And looked at my little prairie house

I walked out into the middle of the wide, abandoned street. ‘Here I am’ I thought to myself. I slowly turned around and let the moment imprint in my brain like one of those forever snapshots. Closing my eyes I can see it like I’m back again. So not to seem like a complete idiot I walked over to the office for the Rexford Hotel to find a phone. For it was time to call my mother’s best friend.

Meanwhile MY friend was still sleeping. I guess I was meant to experience this alone.

Finding a phone was an adventure in and of itself. My cell phone definitely was in a land where it didn’t belong. When I found an office, which had a phone that I could use I found I could barely speak. Hearing the voice on the other end talking about my mother was almost too much. Janette, the best friend, was to meet me at the little prairie house after she dropped off lunch to her husband in the field (how cute is that!) and had her hair set at the beauty shop (again, adorable!). So I would go back and wait.

My friend, now awake, was making herself a peanut butter sandwich. I relayed my stories from the day. After commiserating with me about the night to come (crashing the local nightspot.) She retired to her room and I curled up in front of the air conditioner with my book to await Janette.

So wait I did. It must time to get a your “hair set” whatever that even is, because it was 3 hours before she showed up. It was the country after all things are slower there.

I wish I could relay her exact words but they ran together and followed the same theme. It was almost too much, all the stories and emotions. I just wanted to run but at the same time there was nowhere else I could be but there.

My mother, the same woman who never left my house, hated shopping, and avoided all social functions was being described as just the opposite.

She was known in the town as always having fabulous dresses, a detailed sense of style and a large circle of friends. She sang in with a quartet of girls and her range was so wide that she could sing any part. She laughed and danced. She had big dreams and plans that involved leaving this small town and experiencing the life outside.

When she was in nursing school with Janette in Denver. It was the early 60’s and they would go see Jazz shows (even Miles Davis), Watch Doris Day and Audrey Heyburn movies, Double Date and laugh all the time.

I don’t remember hearing my mom laugh very often.

Then Janette got married. My mother left nursing school soon after and joined her family in Montana where they had since moved. They lost touch for many years after that.

Janette recounted how just a few years ago she tracked down my mother’s number and gave her a call. The time period was after my mother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and was already quite confused. She said that at first when she called (not knowing that my mom was ill) my mom seemed very out of it. However, after a few minutes of Janette reminding her of the past my mom clicked into clarity and they had a two hour long talk reminiscing and laughing about old times.

There were two very different women that inhabited my mother’s body. I wish I had seen this side of her. I’m not sure why she hid within herself and the walls of our home while I grew up but at least I was able to see her now. Through her friend the loved her, looked up to her and never saw her at her lowest.

She also gave me two small paintings that my grandmother had painted and walked me back to the church next door. Inside she showed me the Mural that my Grandmother painted around the baptismal. It was a whimsical portrayal of the river Jordan (which my friend, who had been there, said it looked exactly like).

After she left I sat outside and let the whole conversation settle in.

Then came Tornado.